Mario Competes In a Game Show
by MedievalPrince123
Summary: Designing? Cooking? Singing? Oh my! No it’s not a gay TV network it’s the new game show 'What Would You Do'. 100,000,000 coins are at stake for Mario and all characters imaginable. Whose embarrassment will finally pay off? The next challenge... Warball!
1. Chapter 1 What Would You Do?

**Mario Competes In a Game...Show**

Note: I don't anything related to the Mario series.  
I'm not sure if I'm going to continue this story… if I get enough reviews I will. I just don't want to start a stupid story and continue with a stupid story so all reviews are welcome good and "constructive criticism". Enjoy.

Chapter 1 – _What Would You Do?_

Mario woke up and looked around. It was only seven but he couldn't fall back asleep. He finally got out of bed and glanced at his brother who was sleeping like a baby in the bed across from him. Mario decided to go for a morning walk and put on his signature red shirt and overalls, complete with his hat and super boots. He left his house and walked down Toady Road. The toads that woke up early for work waved to him as he passed on by and he waved back and smiled. Mario eventually found himself thinking about his life… 'I'm 29 years old and Peach and I haven't made it official yet, I still live with my brother, I can barely make end's meet, and on top of everything else I have to deal with Bowser all the time. What a life I have, a poor wifeless hero.' He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't even see the town bulletin board before he ran right into it. Mario rubbed his nose as he got up off the ground, "Ouch! That hurt." He stared at the bulletin board like it had jumped in front of him just so he could run into it. He was fixing to walk away before one of the papers caught his eye.

Attention All Residents of Mushroom Kingdom

Would you like some extra coins? How about the chance to win 100,000,000 of them?  
What would you do to win that much… anything?

Well, here's your chance! Auditions for the new game show…

_What Would You Do?_

Are happening June 14th at 10:30AM at the Royal Palace.

King Toadstool and Princess Peach have graciously agreed  
to allow the auditions at the palace.

Show up and good luck!

Mario grinned at the thought of winning a hundred million coins, 'I'd finally have the money to have the perfect wedding, Peach and I could get our own castle and we could do anything! Her father couldn't object then, I can still hear him. "Mario you're a great guy and our hero but… you're a bum, get some money and then I'll think about handing my daughter over to you." I just have to win this contest, but I know its not going to be easy.' Just then he heard a familiar voice calling his name.

"Hey there, Mario." He turned to see his buddy Yoshi.

"Hey, Yoshi, how's it going?"

"Pretty good… I see you have your eye on that game show auditions. They're tomorrow, you know. Are you going to tryout?"

Mario smiled at his long time friend. "I could really use the extra coins."

Yoshi laughed, "So can I. I'll be there."

"I might as well apologize now…" Mario said in the most serious tone he could muster.

"For what?" Yoshi asked.

"For kicking your butt and winning." Mario said with a hefty chuckle.

Yoshi rolled his eyes as he cocked his head, "You may be the hero of Mushroom Kingdom but that doesn't mean I can't get past you."

"Oh really? I guess we'll see, won't we?"

Yoshi smiled. "I guess we will. Well, now that I know you're going to be competing I gotta go train a lot more… you know, just in case."

"Okay buddy, you do that. I'm probably gonna go workout some too. See you tomorrow."

Yoshi waved goodbye as he walked off. "See ya."

Mario began to walk to his favorite food stop, Zess T.'s, full of excitement and anxiety. 'I know I'm the best athlete around but… I don't know what they're going to make us do.' He thought as he passed by Wiggler's house. The bi-polar caterpillar was outside sunbathing as he watched Mario walk by.

"Aren't you going to say 'hi'?" Wiggler asked.

"Oh sorry, Wiggler, I was just thinking, I didn't mean to be rude."

Wiggler smiled, "Its fine, a penny for your thoughts?"

"I was pondering over the game show auditions tomorrow."

"I think everyone I know is going to be there, can I add you to the list as well?" Wiggler said as he took a sip from a glass of lemonade.

"You can, I don't mean to cut our conversation short but I really got to get back home."

"Alright, see you tomorrow then." Wiggler waved his many arms as Mario left.

Mario quickly found himself at the restaurant. Its not that he didn't like Wiggler… it's just that he can be a little crazy sometimes and Mario didn't want to be around when he lost it. He entered Zess T.'s and took a seat in a booth and a waitress came up.

"The usual, Mario?" Toadette asked.

"Yes, that's fine. I'm just hungry as a Raven."

"It'll be out in a few minutes, what do you drink?"

"A Tasty Tonic sounds good."

Toadette nodded her head and went to fix the drink. The restaurant was empty except for a few toads and goombas that were quietly eating. 'I guess not a lot of people get up at 7:30 on a Friday to get breakfast. I don't know why not, Zess T. is the best cook in town.' Mario thought.

"Here's your tasty tonic." Toadette said as she placed the drink on the table.

"Thanks."

She nodded once again as she walked off and an unlikely person entered the diner. The person slowly walked forward toward Mario and stood behind him. Mario saw the shadow of horns on the wall; he knew who it was just from that.

"Bowser." Mario simply said. Bowser let out a roar-like laugh and sat down in the booth across from his nemesis.

"How'd ya guess it was me?" Bowser said with a devilish smile.

"It'd probably be those big things called horns protruding out of the top of your head. Causing trouble as usual, Bowz?" Mario knew that little nickname really got Bowser heated, why pretend to be friends with the person who constantly causes havoc and steals your girlfriend?

Bowser gave a dirty look before he replied. "Yep, just the usual, I don't know why people label me such a bad guy. I actually like Toadofsky and ballet. Your favorite things I'm sure, Marz." He then gave another growling snigger. A hesitant Toadette came forward and shakily asked Bowser what he wanted to drink and if he was staying to eat. "Of course I'm staying; this is my good friend right here. Hm, I think I'll have you for breakfast." Bowser suggestively licked his lips as he glared at Toadette. Mario was surprised she didn't faint right then. She looked to Mario for help.

"Just bring him some water."

Toadette walked away and Mario looked to Bowser. "Do you have to intimidate every person you come in contact with?"

Bowser paused a moment to make it seem he was in thought. "Why, are you intimidated?" He then started laughing pretty hard as if he had made the funniest joke in the world.

Mario gave him a look that spoke volumes. "You're such a joker, Bowz. I don't know why we're not best friends?"

"But I thought we were, Marz?"

"Bowser, I think I'm more close to piranha plant than you."

Toadette returned with Bowser's water and carefully placed it by the King of Evil and she gave Mario his plate of food. She then quickly went back to the kitchen.

"Thank you." Mario called to her as she left. "Bowser, why are you really here?"

Bowser smiled. "I wanted to see if you were entering the contest."

'Oh great, I have to compete against this big dumb dinosaur… or turtle… or whatever he is.' Mario thought. "I am and unfortunately I assume you are as well?"

"You guess correctly, Mario. You aren't as dumb as you look. I would wish you good luck but… I hope you fail to be quite frank."

Mario took a bite out of his food before he replied. "Best wishes to you as well."

Bowser stood as he talked. "I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta go and think of new ways to make your life miserable." And with that Bowser was gone.

After about twenty minutes, Mario finished up his breakfast and paid and left the café as his thoughts tumbled in his mind, 'Looks like everyone in Mushroom Kingdom and beyond is going to be at this competition. I'm going to need all the luck and training I can get. And yet I only have one day.'


	2. Chapter 2 Last Minute Training

Note: I'm going on vacation tomorrow (3-24) so it'll be **at least** a week till I can update again, so don't get impatient. Review please.

Chapter 2 – _Last Minute Training_

"WHERE IS KAMMY KOOPA?" Bowser yelled as he sat at his throne. One of his many servants cautiously stepped forward.

"She's almost here, your highness."

Bowser motioned for the frightened koopa to come closer with his finger. Once the koopa was within arm's length Bowser grabbed him. "What did you say to me?" The koopa was too scared to speak and proceeded to wet himself. Bowser watched as the yellow pee fell to the floor. "You fool! You just ruined my brand new Peach carpet!" The rug in front of the throne was in the shape of Princess Peach and the pee had landed right on the face, making her white teeth appear yellow.

"ARGHHHHHHH!"

Bowser through the koopa out of a nearby window, his falling body only visible by the pale moonlight. "Anyone else want to mess with me?" The other goombas and koopas that were standing guard looked to the ground and just shook their heads. "That's what I thought." Suddenly there was banging on the stairs and Bowser turned to see Kammy Koopa falling and cursing all the way.

"Th…ese…stu…pid…moth…er…fu…"

But the rest of her rants where drowned out by Bowser's laughter. Even after Kammy had plopped onto the ground he was still laughing and falling out of his chair. "Oh Kammy, you know just how to make me laugh."

Kammy Koopa wanted to scream but she knew that her life wouldn't be much longer if she opposed her king. Through clenched teeth she said, "I'm glad I can amuse you, master."

"Where's your broom?" Bowser asked as he brushed the tears from his eyes.

"It's getting repaired, but it'll be ready by tomorrow. How are your preparations coming along?" She got off the floor and walked over to Bowser and stood by his side like his personal assistant.

"Fine, I think I'm ready for the toughest of competition but… did you make the potion I wanted?"

Kammy Koopa mysteriously reached into her jacket and pulled out a small vial. "I've got just the thing."

Then they both let out a cackling laugh. "Muhahahahahahahahaha!"

_Earlier that day_…

"Get away from me!" Daisy yelled at Waluigi. He had been chasing her since that afternoon and she had just about enough of his games.

"Just talk to me." Waluigi shouted back to her.

"Okay, what do you want?" Daisy rolled her eyes, willing to put up with him just so she could get back to her daily duties.

"Will you marry me?"

"Are you serious? Is that what you wanted to ask me this whole time?" Daisy crossed her arms, filling up with more and more disgust for this vile man.

Waluigi laughed, "No, no. I just wanted to know if you were going to be at the game show entry tomorrow."

Daisy sighed, "Yes, now leave me alone!" She needed the coins as much as any other person. Her kingdom of Sarasaland was going through a crisis. The Koopa Bank was going through a depression and all of the citizens went into panic mode. She needed to get order restored and do it fast.

Waluigi's face filled with delight. "Yippee! I love you Daisy! See you tomorrow!" He ran off, full with the glee of a love struck schoolboy.

Daisy slumped down on a bench a few steps away to catch her breath. "Why? Why is _he_ going to be there?"

_Even earlier that day_…

Mallow and Geno, the companions of Mario in Super Mario RPG: The Legend of the Seven Stars, entered Jinx's kung fu gym.

"Hey Jinx, ya here?" Mallow shouted as he walked around looking for the miniature powerhouse.

"In the back."

"Come on this way." Geno grabbed Mallow's hand and followed the voice. Eventually they found him training, hitting some punching bags and breaking blocks with his hand.

"Can you help us train?" Mallow asked.

"Sure, if ya got the coins." Jinx said with a laugh.

"We only got a hundred… I know that's not a lot but we really need the help, please." Geno said as he got on his knees pleading with the martial arts master.

Jinx gave a sly grin. "Why do you need the training so bad?"

Mallow quickly replied. "The competition tomorrow… for _What Would You Do?_. You know, that new game show."

"I'm entering as well…" Jinx said as he grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

"Oh…" Geno simply replied.

Mallow frowned. "That means you aren't going to help us, right?"

"Wrong. Give me the money and I'll give you both a whirl." Jinx smiled at the two and they both smiled back.

_Still earlier that day_…

"Put that over there. No you idiot, I said _there_." King Toadstool yelled at the workers who were setting up the obstacle course for the first day of the game tomorrow.

"Calm down, daddy. Everything's going to be okay." Princess Peach said to her father as she took a bite from an apple. She herself was going to compete tomorrow. You may be wondering why the princess of Mushroom Kingdom would enter in a contest to win coins when she already has everything. 'I want to be free. I'm tired of depending on daddy for everything.' She thought as she sat in a comfy garden chair.

"Peachy Poo, are you sure you want to be a part of this savage show?" The king asked her daughter.

Peach smiled. "Daddy, I'll be fine. Mario won't let anything happen to me."

Toadstool grinned at his only child. He was a good father and was only concerned for her safety… you have to be if your daughter is kidnapped as much as Peach. "How do you know he's entering?"

Peach took another bite out of her crimson apple. "Daddy, who's not competing should be the real question."

A worker toad came forward. "Sorry to interrupt, your highness, Princess Peach."

Toadstool looked to the toad. "Yes, what is it?"

"That's the last of the course, sir. It's ready for tomorrow."

King Toadstool jumped into the air and did a little dance as his daughter giggled. "That's splendid. Tell your workers that their work is done and to go home and rest. Thank them all for me and Princess Peach."

"Will do, your highness, Princess Peach. Thank you." The toad happily skipped away.

Princess Peach smiled as she ate her apple. 'Looks like everything's ready, I just hope I am.'

_Earlier, earlier, earlier that day_…

Mario made it back to his home around 8:30AM and was surprised to find Luigi already awake and busy jumping around and punching the air. "You sure are up early." Mario said as he sat on the porch.

Through hefty breaths Luigi replied. "Gotta practice for competition."

Mario laughed at the thought of another person entering the game show. 'Who isn't going to be at this thing?' He thought. "Mind if I join you?" He asked as he got up and began stretching for a serious workout.

"Let me guess, you're gonna be there too?" Luigi said as he jumped off of a tree and into their pool.

"Yep, I sure am." Mario said as he jumped on top of his brother's head and into the water.

"Ouch, what was that for?" Luigi said as he punched Mario in the arm.

"We gotta train, right?" Mario said as he lunged toward him.

Luigi formed a grin. "Any reason to beat your ass is fine with me."

_Back to that evening_…

"Wow, I'm beat." Luigi exclaimed as he pulled off his boots and rubbed his soar muscles.

"I know, 'cause I'm the one who beat you up." Mario said with an exhausted laugh.

"Very funny, are you nervous?" Luigi asked as he got undressed and changed into an undershirt to sleep in.

"Of course, who wouldn't be?" Mario looked at his clock, 11:30PM. He changed as well and lied on top of his bed, his eyelids heavy.

Luigi crashed onto his bed. "Yea, your right. I'm pretty nervous too. Plenty of competition I'm sure, but not you of course. I could beat you with my eyes closed, arms tied behind my back, and with a spark in my pants." He laughed at his own joke and waited for his brother to come up with some smart-alecky response. A few minutes passed and instead of words all he heard was Mario's snore. He turned and looked at his resting brother. "Hah, good night, bro." Luigi reached up and turned off the light and lied down with a yawn. He thought of who would be at the tryouts and what would happen but his thoughts didn't last long as he fell into a deep slumber.

All of Mushroom Kingdom was snoozing and for a few hours tranquility was the only scene. But who knows how long that will last once the contest begins.


	3. Chapter 3 The Start of the Beginning

Note: Sorry for not updating in forever... no one probably even reads this any more... but I decided to randomly continue. _So_, if you do happen to stumble across this... enjoy!

Chapter 3 – _The Start of the Beginning_

Princess Peach stared out of her bedroom window. "Oh, rain on the day of the competition… that's not good. I'm gonna get my dress all wet." She then walked over to her closet and opened it as she smiled. "No need to worry… I have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…"

Meanwhile as Peach was counting her dresses all of the baddies, except Bowser, Baby Bowser, and Bowser's own league of followers, held a meeting that morning to have a head count of who would be at the competition.

Bullet Bill, head of the gathering, cleared his throat before he began to speak. "If I may have your attention…"

All of the bad guys quickly shut up, they may be villains but that doesn't mean they don't have manners.

"Thank you. As you all know, today is the auditions for the new game show, "_What Would You Do?_". I have a general list here to get an idea of how many people, well, our kind of people, well; our kind of _things_… will be attending. Once you hear your name please raise your hand and be accounted for. Also, a polite here or present would be greatly appreciated."

An ignorant pokey then stood up and said, "I ain't bring no present."

Bullet Bill rolled his eyes as a few of the other attendees laughed at the poor pokey's stupidity. "No, no, just say here if… you're here." The pokey then nodded and looked around confused, not sure of what everyone was laughing at.

"Alright let me get to the list. If you hear your general species you may raise your hand… if you are more important you will be called upon separately. Alright in no particular order. Doopliss? Shadow Queen? Grubba? Cortez? Valentina & Dodo? Belome? Cackletta?..."

The list continued with most of the names called, present, and eventually came to a close. "…Goombas? Dry bones? Monty moles? Whomps, thomps, and chain chomps? Ukikis? Pokeys? And last and most definitely least, Amazee Dayzees? (No response) Let me try that again, Amazee Dayzees?" (Still no response) Bullet Bill looked to the back of the auditorium and found one Amazee Dayzee continually ramming itself into the wall while repeating its name over and over. "Ah… there you are, unfortunately."

The Paper Mario baddie could hardly be called a "bad guy" due to its cute appearance, looking just like its name, but it was one none the less and was invited to the meeting. The rest of the Amazee Dayzees had either slept in, didn't know how to read, were ramming themselves into walls, or just plain too retarded to find their way to the gathering. The one Amazee Dayzee in attendance came by pure accident… she followed a goomba who she thought was a mushroom.

"Now, we all know what we must do… we must win the competition so Mario or any of those other goody goods won't!" Then all of the baddies jumped up and gave a cheer.

Let's check back in on Princess Peach.

"127, 128, 129, 130, 131…"

On second thought, let's wait a while. As Peach continued to count her dresses, our hero in overalls was just waking.

Mario slowly opened his eyes with a groggy yawn. Luigi had awakened him with his Madonna Toad music blaring from the stereo.

_Cause we are living in a material kingdom and I am a material toad…_

Mario quickly got up and turned it off.

"Ow, ow, Material! Liv-ing in a mat-er-ial…Heeeeey what happened to my music?" Luigi shouted from the shower. He kept on singing even after the song had stopped before he realized it was turned off and Mario thought it was hilarious and had fallen to the floor laughing. 'What a way to start the day' He thought. Luigi wasn't the best singer in the world and... we all have our own "Shower voices".

"Because Madonna sucks." Mario said after he stopped laughing.

"Whatever." Luigi simply replied as he turned off the shower and got out.

"Good you're getting out, I need to get in." Mario glanced at the clock that read 8:47AM, he, Luigi, and everyone else in the Mushroom Kingdom had about 1 hour to get to the competition. Speaking of everyone in Mushroom Kingdom, shall we check back in with our beloved Princess?

"575, 576, 577, 578…"

Wow, she has a whole lot of dresses. Luckily, so we can continue with the story, her father entered the room.

"Peachie Poo, are you up?"

She frowned as she looked over to her father. "Yes, daddy, I'm up… look what you made me do, I lost count now I have start all over!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone in Mushroom Kingdom jumped and wondered what the giant voice was they just heard.

"Whoa, what was that?" Peach asked her father.

He shrugged. "Beats me! Are you getting ready for the game show?"

She watched as he came over and sat on her bed. "I can't decide what to wear."

"Pshhh, please, you wear the same thing all the time. How hard could it be?" Toadstool frustratingly muttered under his breath.

Peach looked over to her father. "Did you say something?"

"Who, _me_? Nope, I didn't say _anything_, nothing, nothing at all." He stood as he finished. "Well, make it snappy, dear. We don't want to keep everyone waiting."

"Yes father, I'll be right down… right after I finish counting my dresses."

I SAID NO, HOE!

Toadstool looked up to the ceiling as if it had been the one to speak. "Did someone just call you a hoe?...Nah, couldn't be." He shook his head and left the room.

I suppose we shall leave Princess Peach to her shower and dressings before she forces me to kill her off by a tragic death from her _own_ damn dresses! Ahhhh, I'm glad I got that off my chest... oh, right, the story...

Far across on the outskirts of Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser was peacefully snoozing. That is until his alarm clock went off.

"No! What are you doing? Leave me alone! Mario, Mario, help meeeeeeeee!..(The alarm suddenly goes fuzzy and then after a few seconds comes back on)...Hey, don't put your hand there! That's a no-no."

Bowser reached over and turned off his Peach clock that he had custom made. "Ah, I love the sound of distress in the morning. Especially when it's my little Peach, hm, that recording seems just like yesterday when I stole her and all night we made sweet sweet cookies! She is such a great cook." The alarm suddenly came back on.

"I don't even let Mario do that. No, not even one finger, let alone your whole hand. I know it tastes good but it's not ready yet. Bowser, I already told you not to put your fingers in the cookie dough; you haven't even washed your hands yet…" Click. Bowser turned it off for real this time, instead of hitting the snooze button.

"Might as well make her work while she's here." Then there was a knock at the door.

"I swear, if you're anyone but Kammy Koopa the security camera has already gotten a picture of your face and you won't have one after I'm through with you."

"Don't worry, sir. It's only me."

Bowser let out a slight laugh. "Oh, alright, come in then." Kammy Koopa entered her master's room and unfortunately for her, Bowser forgot to put on his shell. Kammy's face wrinkled up with disgust and intrigue as she quickly closed her eyes.

"Please, Bowser, I particularly don't wanna see that thing. One time was _plenty_ for me."

Bowser slowly got up and put on his shell. "So _sorry_ I didn't impress you. I didn't do it on purpose, I sleep in the nude."

'Ew, another thing to keep me up at night… that and Paris H. Toad.' She thought as she brushed it aside. "I see the potion I gave you is working."

Bowser looked confused for a moment and then smirked. "No, no… that's just my Viagra."

Kammy's eyes widened as she shook her head. "I meant your muscles are bigger…"

"Oh, _that_. Yep, now I'll be unstoppable!"

_One Hour Later…_

The rain luckily had turned to a light drizzle by now as all of the potential winners made their way to Mushroom Kingdom. The traffic on the streets was down to a crawl, and it seemed everyone in the whole Mushroom World was at the palace or at least trying to get in. Everyone wanted the coins as badly as the next person, and everyone had a million excuses why they should win and why they deserve the money more than the next average Toad.

"Oh this is an absolute nightmare…" A toad working registration muttered to herself as she tried to shout through the chaos. "…Please make your way to the registration tables if you haven't already. Do not rush, there is enough spaces for everyone, do not worry."

"Hey, Mario! _Yoo-hoo_! Mario! Over here!" Mario turned around to see his long time girlfriend Peach with a number on her dress. He gave her a surprised look and walked over.

"Hey baby, I didn't know you were participating in this crazy thing." He gave her a light kiss on the forehead, a sign of undying love and affection, such a sweet gesture. She almost melted from it, Mario knew the slightest ways to make her feel so special.

"Well, I have you to protect me, so I don't need to worry right?" She gave him a playful smile with a slight twinkle in her eye.

Mario nodded. "That's right baby, nothing is gonna happen to you."

"Awww… look at the two love birds! How precious!" Bowser said in a very sarcastic tone as he walked over to them.

"Bowser, why don't you shut the–"

"Follow me, follow me please. Everyone, if I may have your attention, registration has ended and we would like to brief you over today's events."

Bowser growled at them but let it drop since the contest was starting. "You both better watch your back, or I just might attack, put you in a body sack, make up for the princess I lack." He then gave a gang symbol with one hand and gave a high five to Eminem Toad with the other. "Thanks for the hot rappings, my brother."

Peach and Mario simply looked at him as if he were deranged.

"Alright, since there are so many contestants here today we will break you up into groups, only two, I repeat two of the hundred-person group will make it on to the next round. There will be a total of one thousand groups. So, if you do the simple math, after the preliminary round only two-thousand contestants will remain and after following matches, all of the thousands of hopefuls will be weeded down to a mere fifty finalists. We are deciding groups right now, in the mean time, if I may direct your attention to the right, this is the beginning of the course. Now, allow me to explain…"

All of the contestants turned their heads as the worker's unveiled the first challenge and Mario couldn't see even one closed mouth. He too was shocked at the intensity and length of the first course. Everyone thought it would be tough… but they didn't expect this.


	4. Chapter 4 First Challenge

Note: If you have a favorite character that you want to see in the final group, tell me and I'll try to include them.

Chapter 4_ – First Challenge_

All of the contestants were staring at an obstacle course… not just any plain old run-jump-duck obstacle course. The course started with a swim… through hungry Cheep-Cheep infested waters, which of course were not at a comfortable temperature freezing-your-testicles-off cold. After that a typical run it seemed…

"…And once you get to the running part of the course, we release blood-thirsty Chain Chomps ten seconds into the foot race…"

The fat-eat-everything-pig Shy Guy from Paper Mario choked on the donut he was eating. "Oh shit, I'm screwed."

Then you came to a hurdle-type part of the course, except that you had to jump through lit circles of fire. After that there was what appeared to be the easiest part of the course, a quiz show.

"…To finish the race you have to stand on your head and sing Britney Toad's classic hit "…Baby One More Time"…backwards."

The Axem Rangers talked amongst themselves. "What do they think this is the circus or something?" "Yea, we're the little monkeys who run through the maze." "More like the monkey's _shit_ by the looks of this."

The toad reading the details of the course smiled as she finished. "Any questions?"

Almost every hand was up in an instant. She frowned. "God you idiots it isn't that hard! Watch this!"

The toad elegantly jumped off the platform and into the water, beating the shit out of any Cheep-Cheeps that came her way. She started on the running part at an incredible speed and simply out ran the Chain Chomps. She gracefully jumped through the twenty rings of fire without getting burned the slightest bit and entered the quiz show. As you may have predicted, she answered every question with a more than adequate response.

"See?" She happily raised her eyebrows as she stood on her head.

"Time more one baby me hit sign a me give and here be will you that believe still I know you don't confess must I me killing is loneliness my that confess must I time more one baby me hit sign a me give mind my lose I you with not I'm when (believe still) believe still I confess must I (I and) me killing is loneliness my time more one baby me hit sign a me give and here be will you that believe still I know you don't now me killing is loneliness my that confess must I go you let have shouldn't I baby pretty oh know to supposed I was how baby baby oh yea eh baby baby oh oh baby baby oh I time more one baby me hit sign a me give mind my lose I you with not I'm when (believe still) believe still I confess must I (I and) me killing is loneliness my because why now know to need I cause baby me tell be to it want you how me show it planned I way the not its do wouldn't I that nothing there's baby pretty oh blinded me got you boy you is breathe I reason the baby baby oh I time more one baby me hit sign a me give mind my lose I you with not I'm when (believe still) believe still I confess must I (I and) me killing is loneliness my because why now know to need I cause baby me tell be to it want you how me show yea outside right you're now and go you let have shouldn't I baby baby oh here right wasn't something that know to supposed I was how baby baby oh baby baby oh baby baby oh."

Some of the contestants applauded, some laughed, and some wanted to kill the damn bitch.

"Who the hell is that?" Mario asked Peach.

"I have no idea."

Toadstool came out on the platform as the crowd began to get rowdy. "Please listen. That was a joke I assume. My, what imagination these TV show producers have. I have just been informed that the obstacle course stays as is _excluding _anything that wanted to eat you, yes including you fat ass…" Toadstool commented as he looked and pointed at the fat-eat-everything-pig Shy Guy. "…The rings of fire, and the whole recite Britney Toad's baby song backwards thingy."

There was a roar of happiness and relief from the contestants as another toad stepped on the platform. "We have divided you into groups, so please listen for your name and if you are called make your way to the starting line. Group one is as follows…"

Daisy snuck up behind Luigi and placed her hands over his eyes. "Guess who?"

Luigi smiled. "The most gorgeous girl in the whole universe?" Daisy spun him around and planted a big sloppy wet one on him as Birdo walked over.

"You two act like you're the only ones here."

Daisy looked over to her and giggled. "Can't help it, we're in love."

"We are?" Luigi jokingly asked. Daisy gave him a pretend shocked look and playfully pushed him. She knew he was simply kidding, or at least she hoped he was.

Birdo was fixing to reply until she heard her name called over the loud speaker. "Uh-oh, I gotta go lose now. See you guys later if I'm lucky." She grinned as she made her way through the sea of challengers and began stretching in front of the start line.

"You're going down!" A fellow yellow yoshi shouted to her.

"We'll see about that."

"The first round is ready to begin! Here are the rules, no cheating!" The announcer toad excitedly shouted after the last name was called. "On your mark… get set… GO!"

All of the group one contestants dived into the water. A poor Thomp immediately sank to the bottom and couldn't move and consequently lost. Birdo on the other hand could swim as well as she walked. The aquatic participants were the first to land but that's where their problems started. Birdo was in the lead and to her surprise an Amazee Dayzee was right on her tail, the one and only Amazee Dayzee in attendance.

'How does that thing even know what to do?' She thought to herself and watched it lick its lips as its eyes were glued to her tail. "Oh hale naw, you ain't taking a bite outta my tail, byotch!" She picked up the pace as the retarded flower did the same. She easily jumped through the circles which were now not on fire and entered the quiz show.

"Howdy hoe, my friends! I'm your favorite quiz host – Chuck Quizmo! You have to answer three questions before you get the million dol… I mean move on to the finish line. Ready? Let's play who wants to win the race!" The lights went crazy and dimmed as the music started, awfully familiar to another game show. "You have one life line, 'Punch me in the face'! Where you get to punch me in the face and maybe I'll tell you the right answer! How awesomely bad for me yet fun for you!"

Birdo laughed at the over-the-top behavior of this guy. "Just get to the questions so I can win already."

"Alrighty, Birdo, here is your first question…"

She answered the first two questions with ease and moved onto the last. "You're only one question away till you can make a dash for the finish! Here is your final question."

Birdo grinned as the studio audience burst with applause. "Thank you, thank you! I'd like to thank all my fans, my family, my frie–"

Quizmo cut her off. "This ain't no damn award show…" He quickly regained his composure. "…Here's your final question. How long has Toadstool been in power over Mushroom Kingdom?" He started to read the answer choices but it was his turn to be interrupted. Birdo glared as she spoke, a smirk on her lips.

"Don't even read the choices… I don't have a clue, so I think I'd like to use my life line." She cracked her knuckles as she pulled her fist back to hit him. Chuck Quizmo ducked and shouted out to her that she advanced on. "That's what I thought."

Birdo quickly ran out of the quiz show and could see the finish line. Then she noticed that damn Amazee Dayzee on her heels. "How did _she_ get past the quiz?" She muttered to herself.

_Five minutes earlier…_

"Howdy hoe, my friends! I'm your favorite…" Chuck Quizmo proceeded to go through the same lines he did with Birdo. The Amazee Dayzee simply stared at him as some drool dripped out of her mouth. "Alrighty, Amazee Dayzee, here is your first question. Which of the following is one of the five W's of question-asking?"

A. Walrus  
B. Hokey pokey  
C. What  
D. Washer

The Amazee Dayzee sat there for a few seconds completely silent.

"We need an answer."

She looked around in confusion. "What?"

"That's correct! Good job. The expression "Oooo-blank" is used when someone thinks something is impressive, like the lights at a firework show. Fill in the blank."

A. Ahhh  
B. Shhh  
C. Grrr  
D. I think I lost my wallet.

The Amazee Dayzee picked her nose and slowly brought the booger to her mouth as she exclaimed with glee. "Ahhh."

"Correct! You're only one question away till you can make a dash for the finish! Here is your final question. What sound does a toucan make?"

A. Meow  
B. Bark  
C. Hello there, good fellow.  
D. Tuki-tuki

The Amazee Dayzee smiled when she heard the last choice and started jumping up and down. "TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

"Congratulations, Amazee Dayzee! You can make a run for the finish!" Chuck Quizmo exclaimed in his best game show voice as the exit opened.

"TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

Chuck looked around and pulled out a walkie-talkie from his pocket. "Um… I think we're gonna need security in here, this moron is going crazy."

"TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

The host reached over and turned Dayzee's head toward the exit. "Leave you idiot!" Luckily, Birdo was making her way to the finish and Amazee Dayzee quickly jumped up and ran out the door in pursuit of her.

_Back to the present moment…_

"It looks like we have three finishers in a tight race to the finish! Who will be the two winners?" The announcer toad shouted.

Birdo looked to her left and saw the yellow yoshi from the beginning. He evilly grinned at her as she stuck up her middle finger with a smile. The yellow yoshi was too busy watching Birdo that he ran off the course and into a pole. Birdo crossed the finish line and Amazee Dayzee came in a close second. Birdo quickly turned around and smacked the Amazee Dayzee. "Why are you following me, you little retard?"

"TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!" The Amazee Dayzee shouted and ran off. The reason she _was_ following Birdo was because, to the Amazee Dayzee, her pink tail looked like a big stick of bubblegum.

Birdo looked over and saw the yellow yoshi on the ground moaning in pain. She walked over and offered her hand but as the hurt yoshi reached for it she whipped it away. "Take a look at me now, sucka! You're nothing but a loser!" She yelled to him as a medical team rushed over to help him.

"I can't believe I lost to a flower…" The defeated yoshi mumbled to the medics.

Yoshi, the original one, walked over to Birdo and whispered in her ear. "That was my cousin."

"Oh, sorry… but he was an asshole."

The same process was repeated until it was Mario's, Peach's, and Bowser's turn.

"What is the likeliness of all three of us getting in the same group?" Peach asked Mario as they stretched.

Mario shook his head. "I dunno… it must be a conspiracy." Indeed it was. Bowser forced the contest regulators to put all three of them in the same group.

Bowser smiled evilly as he watched them from the other side of the start line. "This is my chance to shine! My chance to finally beat that chump and his little slut. Your formula had better have worked, Kammy."

"Trust me sir, you have nothing to worry about." Kammy Koopa reassured her leader. She had already gone and made it on to the next round.

_Ten minutes later…_

Mario and Peach could see the finish and Bowser wasn't in sight. "Yes! We're gonna get rid of that dumbass right at the start!" Mario exclaimed as he picked up Peach and carried her to save time.

Bowser finally exited the quiz show and saw them. "Dammit! How am I supposed to catch up?" He started to run and tripped over a rock.

"RAAAAAAAH!"

He slid on the bottom of his shell at an incredible speed directly toward Mario and Peach. It was too late when Peach looked over Mario's shoulder. "Mario! Behind us!" Mario tried to get out of the way but the three of them collided.

Once the dust cleared everyone watched as Mario and Peach rode on top of Bowser across the finish. The judges briefly debated and announced their results. "All three contestants crossed the line at the same time, causing a three-way tie. All three players move on to the next round."

Eventually, all groups had gone and only two-thousand and one participants remained. "Congratulations! You are the lucky contestants who made it through the first round. But don't celebrate just yet; we still have many more players to get rid of."


	5. Chapter 5 Mmmgood

Note: This is the last chapter before the final group is revealed. If you have any favorite characters you want included leave a review and tell me as soon as possible.

Chapter 5 – _Mmmgood_

It was mid-afternoon when the first heat was completed and the rest of the contestants were starving.

"Are they gonna give us a break for lunch?" Mallow asked Geno.

"I sure as hell hope so." He replied.

As if an answer to his question, the cheery announcer toad stepped up to the microphone. "Attention. I'm sure you are all very hungry…"

There were nods of agreement from everyone in the crowd.

"…Too bad, suck it up. But I do have some good news about the next portion of the elimination. It's a taste contest. We put a blindfold on you and you tell us what the substance is."

Mario laughed. "I have a bad feeling about this… she said _substance_ not _food_."

The announcer toad pointed to a medium-sized pavilion close by. "Once your name is called, please enter the tent over there. You will promptly be blindfolded and given further instructions. Thank you."

Peach was one of the first names to be called and she made her way to the testing area. She was given a blindfold, which she put on, and was seated. A judge stepped forward.

"You will be given twenty substances and you must try to correctly identify as many as you can. If you will recall you signed a release form at the registration tables, in the contract you agreed that we will _not_ be liable for any and every injuries or death that may occur due to the contest."

She suddenly got very scared; she didn't even read the fine print on that thing, who does?

"Peach, here is your first substance." The judge handed her a small bowl. She hesitantly stuck her tongue out and tasted it. It was salty and warm, it had a sticky texture to it as well. Peach quickly spit it out.

"You damn sickos! Was that… oh God, I can't even say it."

The judge smiled as he tauntingly continued. "What was the substance, Peach?"

She let out a long sigh before she whispered the answer. "Sperm."

"What? I can't hear you, could you speak up?"

"Sperm."

"One more time."

She shouted this time. "It's SSSSPPPPEEEERRRRMMMM! You know, the stuff that comes out of your dick!"

Her voice was heard throughout the palace grounds. "I think I'm going to be sick…" Mario exclaimed.

"What are they doing to my daughter? This is an outrage!" Toadstool started to totally freak out and some of the game show regulators tried to calm him down.

"Don't tell me to be quiet! This show is cancelled immediately! Where is my daughter? Bring me my daughter! Get your damn hands off me." Eventually they shot him with a tranquilizer.

Back in the tent the judge was laughing. "I'm surprised a princess like you would know that. That must mean you've tasted it before."

Peach could feel her cheeks flush with embarrassment. "Get on to the next item before I kill you."

"Well, that was correct none-the-less." He handed her the next vial.

She tasted it and her noise quickly wrinkled in disgust. "Ew… is that bleach! What are you trying to do? Kill everyone."

"Correct." The judge replied. Peach wasn't sure if he meant correct for the answer or correct on wanting to kill everyone.

_Meanwhile in an opposite room…_

"Here is your first substance, Amazee Dayzee." He handed the retarded flower the small plastic dish.

She brought it to her mouth and consumed the whole thing, which happened to be deer urine. "…TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

The judge looked around. "What the hell is she saying?"

"TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

The judge decided he didn't feel like putting up with her shit. "Why, look! That was the right answer, you move on. Just get the hell out of here."

"TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

_In yet another room…_

"Hello Luigi, here is your first substance."

He tasted it and quickly vomited. "What the f–"

"Now, now. This is only rated T."

"I'm allowed one f-bomb then. That was the FUCKING most disgusting thing I've ever tasted in my whole damn life. Was that skunk secretions?"

The judge grinned. "That is correct."

_In Mario's area…_

"Was that gun powder?" He asked in disbelief.

"Yes, that's correct." She handed him the next container.

Mario smelt if before he tried to taste it, gagging from the odor. "Oh lord, do I have to taste this?"

"I'm sorry… no, I'm really not. You do have to taste it."

He finally got the courage to taste the gross liquid. "…Sewage?"

"You have to be more specific."

"Retirement home sewage?"

The judge chuckled. "Yes, that's correct."

Out of all the rooms only three of them had items that were not the vilest things the producers could come up. Toadette was one of the lucky ones.

"Peanut butter… mouthwash… Oreos… chicken with Alfredo sauce and a dash of ptarmigan cheese… mmm, steak medium rare with a hint of pepper…"

"Wow, your dashing through these with ease."

As a result, Toadette guessed correctly on all twenty dishes. Bowser, conveniently… more like due to bribery, and Bowser Jr. were the other two lucky competitors that got easy things to taste.

The other poor contestants got things like liver and other body parts, feces from various animals, cleaning chemicals, maybe one or two actual food items if they were fortunate, and whatever the hell the evil judges felt like making them eat.

"I have the results… the top three finishers are… Toadette…"

She smiled happily. "Well… it was easy."

All of the other contestants looked her way and various cries of anger were expressed. "Easy? What the hell are you talking about!" "Yea! I had to eat grass…" "Grass? That's nothing compared to elephant shit!" "What do you mean _easy_!"

Toadette looked around confused. "I had things like candy, Oreos, French fries, and steak."

"WHAT?" They all huddled around her, a look of insanity on their faces. They were ready to attack when the announcer spoke up.

"If you lay a finger on the poor girl all of you are disqualified."

A crazed goomba made his way over to the cowering Toadette. "Oh yea? How will you know which of us hit her or not?"

The announcer giggled. "We have video cameras everywhere… even up in the sky so we have a perfect view from above, we _will _know who touches her or not."

The contestants looked up and saw a blimp circling the castle. They all backed away from the frightened Toadette and decided it wasn't worth it… it wasn't her fault anyway.

"That's the right move. Now… the other top three finishers… Bowser…"

The participants shook their heads; they all knew he cheated somehow.

"…And Amazee Dayzee?" The announcer was bewildered by this as well as all the other challengers.

"How did that moron get any right?" They looked over at her and she was chasing a butterfly while yelling, "TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

"I guess we'll never know." The announcer toad mumbled as the judge who passed her through secretly made his way out.

After the taste challenge, only five-hundred contestants remained. The next test to get the number down to the final fifty was a 10-Person Melee, only one person moved on out of each group.

One of the unfortunate groups had to put up with Amazee Dayzee. All the other nine contestants in her group tried to kill her but she just kept on running around in circles.

"That's it! I can't take it anymore!" One koopa yelled and jumped off the stage.

"TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

One goomba started shaking violently. "My head, my head! Why won't she stop saying tuki-tuki?" His skull burst from her annoying voice.

The announcer toad hung her head in disappointment. "I can't believe it… Amazee Dayzee is one of the fifty finalists."

A correspondent for the TV show quickly went over to her. "How does it feel to be a part of the final group, Amazee Dayzee."

"TUKI-TUKI… TUKI?" She started eyeing his microphone.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"TUKI YUM YUM!" She jumped on top of the reporter and started chewing on his mic.

"Get this little bitch off of me!" He started running around yelling, flailing his arms up and down. It was no use though; she ate the whole microphone before she finally got off and let out a loud burp.

_Meanwhile…_

Yoshi found himself in a group with no one major except one of the Axem Rangers. The other eight competitors were quickly eliminated. It was just one on one, mono y mono, a duel, heads up… I think you get the picture.

"You're going down you dumb dino." The yellow ranger shouted as he charged him.

Yoshi noticed a black Mushroom nearby. 'I wonder what this does.' He quickly ate it. It appeared to have no affect. That was until the Axem ranger tried to kick him and went through Yoshi and off the edge of the level.

"NOOOOOO! That was such a cheap thing to do!" The defeated ranger yelled as he fell into the oblivion.

Yoshi smiled. "That was easy."

The red Axem ranger glared at Yoshi. "I will avenge you, my friend. I will not let that animal make a fool of the Axem Rangers!

"The winner of this match is Yoshi!"

Yoshi and surprisingly Amazee Dayzee made it through and both secured spots as one of the fifty finalists. But who will be the forty-eight other contenders?


	6. Chapter 6 The Fifty Finalists

Chapter 6 – _The Fifty Finalists_

The always cheery announcer approached the microphone. "Please gather around, for many of you your hopes and dreams are fixing to be shattered because I have the list of the final group! Isn't that great?"

There was no response from the crowd, just a few grunts and groans.

"I know it is. Here we go… in no particular order…

Yoshi, Amazee Dayzee, Bowser, Jeffrey Star the Koopa, Daisy, The Red Axem Ranger, Bombette, Monty Mole, Peach, Birdo, Professor E. Gadd, Kammy Koopa, Lady Bow, Big Bertha, Bullet Bill, Luigi, Parakarry, Ashlee Simpson the Pokey, Wiggler, Baby Bowser, Mallow, Geno, Petey Piranha, Piantissimo, Jinx, Waluigi, Lakilester, Janice Dickinson the Dry Bones, Marilyn, Brighton, Bobo the Ukiki, Wario, Toad, Raphael, Frogfucius, Dodo, Valentina, Don Pianta, Toadette, Goombario, Johnny Depp the Shy Guy, Rawk Hawk, Jonathon Jones, Doopliss, Twila, The Green Axem Ranger, Pidgit, Rover the Chain Comp, Mario… and Sonic?"

Out of nowhere the classic Christmas song began to play. _Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see? Do you hear what I hear? Do you hear what I hear?_

The contestants looked around and found the blue hedgehog with a sly grin on his face.

"He's not even from Mushroom Kingdom… hell he isn't even from the Mario series!" One participant exclaimed.

The announcer looked toward the judges who nodded in approval. "Well, the judges say it's alright so it's alright with me. If your name was not called please leave the palace grounds immediately or we will get those vicious chain chomps to make you."

Once the area was clear of all the losers, the lucky finalists were gathered in a group around the stage as the announcer smiled at them. "I have good news for you all!"

Most of the participants perked up but their faces quickly turned back to the solemn state they had before as the announcer continued, "I'm your host for the whole game show! Isn't that just amazing?"

"Oh, goody." Goombario sarcastically stated.

"I _know_! I am like the most awesomiest bestiest wonderfuliest host there ever was and will ever be! Let me introduce myself. My name is Kandy and I'm oh so sweet." The announcer did some unimpressive twirls and danced around the stage while singing.

_I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout, when you wanna fuck me, I won't shout! Because I'm a little teapot short and stout._

The contestants stared at her wide-eyed.

"That is so _not_ how it goes." Sonic muttered.

Peach's instinctive princess attitude kicked in. "Please, Kandy, there are children present!"

A voice from the unknown, "Yes, Kandy, you wouldn't want me to take you out of the story now would you? Look at all the little children who read this."

Kandy laughed. "Psh, no one even reads this." Out of the blue she began slapping herself over and over. "Ouch! Who's doing that?"

The giant voice continued, "Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Boy that was fun." Suddenly he re-realizes the audience. "Oh yes, sorry about that. But I felt and you probably did too that she deserved it."

Even the players mumbled in agreement.

The disgruntled announcer shook her head a few times to try and clear away the dizziness. "Since you signed the contract, you have to live in the place that we assign you. Guys, blindfold 'em." She shouted in glee.

From the bushes, trees, and any other hiding spots you could think of jumped black ninjas.

"Hey, why you gotta be racist?"

Sorry…if I must be politically correct; ninjas dressed in black, they attacked the players with Juno-Chops and knocked them out. All of the contestants were blindfolded and transported to the secret location. This was more than likely not necessary, considering the 'secret location' was simply down the road, but it sure did make for some great television.

After arriving at the location, Kandy went around and began tapping them on the forehead. "Wake up, sleepy heads… come on, its time to get up… I said get your lazy asses up!" Although she got increasingly louder none of the competitors stirred.

Eventually the judges got some smelling salts and proceeded to one by one wake up the contestants.

'Where are we?' was the general question.

Kandy flipped a big light switch on the wall. Their location was a warehouse, nothing special, about half the size of a football field. "Good question, this is where you will live when you aren't competing."

Bombette looked around in disbelief. "All fifty of us? Where are the beds?"

Kandy grinned evilly yet in her own sick and twisted sweetness. "You can earn them. But I do always say the floor is the best bed of all!"

"Why would anyone in their right mind say that?" Wario asked.

Mario laughed. "Well you do have to remember she _isn't_ in her right mind."

The announcer pretended to ignore him. "_Because_ it keeps your back perfectly aligned, so when you're old you won't be a hunchback."

Daisy rolled her eyes. "Just a soreback."

"Let me explain everything that you need to know. The door over there labeled 'Confession Room' is the… well, confession room. Periodically you will be asked to go inside and tell whatever you would like, but it's always open when you feel like dishing some dirty secrets about your fellow contestants. The kitchen is right over there. We will provide you with food. There is one bathroom with one toilet and one shower, so you better make it work because quite frankly I don't give a damn. Throughout the show, the top five finishers of each challenge will get a prize of some sort, the first of which is a queen-size bed. Share with whoever you want… pick someone horny cause we need the ratings."

The men in the room glanced around at the ladies with curious smiles which were met with disgusted ones.

Kandy continued in her high-pitched happy voice. "But for now, in the same way that the top five get prizes the bottom five go home. When we get to the top thirty the system will change slightly and randomly there so on. I'll explain more when we get to that point. We asked that you bring with you a single bag of clothes and other necessities, really, anything that you could fit in that one bag. The luggage is over against the wall with the proper name attached to each. Get settled because you're going to be here for a while. Make friends, make enemies, hell whatever you have to do to keep your sanity is fine with me. You will be notified later by your's truly about your first challenge which will take place tomorrow. I'll take a question or two if you have them."

Ashlee Simpson was the first allowed to speak, "What do we do in our spare time? There's no television, no computers, no nothing!"

Kandy pointed to a closet. "Oh yes there is! We have a couple of games for you in that closet along with some other things you might find handy, the phone room is available right over there, but you are only allowed five minutes a day. And as always, you have each other. I'm sorry but question time is over."

"But you only answered one question!" The Green Axem ranger exclaimed.

"One question too many, I assure you. You'll figure everything else out on your own, you people look… somewhat intelligent. Adios for now!" She skipped happily to the only exit and typed in the security code, leaving without another word.

Everyone found their own suitcase and made a spot in the room 'their's'. Mostly the good guys grouped together and the same with the bad guys. As expected, and wanted by the producers, an argument begin to brew.

"Peach, you've been in the bathroom for an hour! Get the hell out!" Valentina shouted through the door.

"Bite me, bitch!" Peach yelled back.

"Oh, I won't bite you… but I have someone right here who will! Dodo, get over here, you stupid bird."

Dodo rushed over to his sidekick, and in all aspects his owner. "Yes madum, I'm hur fur you."

Daisy who happened to be nearby and observing this rushed over. "If you've got a problem with Peach, you've got a problem with me, monkey breath."

The lone Ukiki out of the group, who happens to be named Bobo, looked over to them. "Hey… I resent that!"

The bathroom door opened and Peach splashed a handful of water onto Valentina's face. "Are you gonna melt now, witch?"

_In the Confession Room…_

The humming of Bowser is heard… eventually the light is turned on. Bowser, who has his pants down and a newspaper in his hands which luckily covered everything too important, blushes and roars.

"This _isn't_ the bathroom?"

_Back by the real bathroom…_

Valentina glared at Peach, wiping the water from her face. "Dodo, teach this whore the lesson she deserves!"

Mario quickly made his way to the bathroom. "Ladies, ladies… can't we just get along?"

"You stay out of it!" The three girls screamed simultaneously.

Dodo charged Peach and bit her hard on the arm, not a second later a loud alarm began to sound in the warehouse.

"What is _that_?" Janice Dickinson, the dry bones, questioned as she covered her ears.

The door to the warehouse opened and in walked Kandy as the alarm subsided. "What is that? That was the disqualification bell, if you ever hear it you know that someone has been disqualified from the game due to a violation of the rules. And can anyone guess who has broken the rules?"

Toadette began to jump up and down excitedly. "I know! I know!"

Kandy rolled her eyes. "Yes, Toadette?"

"Dodo because he attacked Peach." She replied with a timid smile.

Valentina spoke up to defend her companion. "He was only listening to me. I am responsible! And Peach provoked him, she should be disqualified!"

"Peach didn't physically hit anybody and that is perfectly fine. But as for you two, you're both disqualified!" Kandy shouted back.

Valentina looked around a moment. "Uh… he made his own choice, it's his fault! I had nothing to do with it!"

"Buh-buh-but, Valentina, you supposed to be me friend." Dodo said with tears in his eyes.

She walked over to him and patted him on the shoulder. "Sorry, old pal, but you're leaving _not_ me."

The announcer stepped forward. "Very well, Dodo you have been disqualified because of your actions. You must leave immediately."

After being forced to leave by ninjas, chain chomps, and the police department Dodo finally left. Kandy addressed the remaining contestants.

"Please behave, the first eliminations weren't even set until tomorrow and we've already sent a person home. Things will continue as planned and five people will still be eliminated at the challenge tomorrow."

Kandy's words fell upon deaf ears. Everyone knew there would be more players disqualified. It was inevitable. Something or someone would start another fight, one person will take a hit and there…bon voyage! Trying to live with the other opponents was half the challenge. The contestants knew that, Kandy knew that, the judges and producers knew that, everyone knew that. That's what made it all the more exciting.


	7. Chapter 7 I Want to Play a Game

Chapter 7 – _I Want to Play a Game_

The disqualification of Dodo made the contestants hold back their ill feelings and keep them for the challenges… for the time being. The temporary peace did allow time for some bondage, that didn't sound right, some bonding.

"I wonder what Kandy meant about things to entertain us in the closet over there. Hm…" Bombette said to some nearby friends, walking over to the closet and opening it. "Here's… a bottle."

Rawk Hawk flexed his muscles to the ladies. "For spin the bottle, you girls ready for some kissing?"

"Ew, I think I'll pass." Daisy replied.

Bombette continued her search finding nothing that really was a game except Twister. She held it in the air. "I'm up for this if you guys are."

Waluigi let out a long laugh. "You'd loose in an instant, your feet are as small as tooth picks."

Bombette shot him a dirty look as Goombario, Bombette's good friend from Paper Mario, spoke for her. "Well, at least she doesn't look like a freak with mile-long legs."

"_So_, how about that game of Twister?" Mario said hopefully.

Bombette proceeded to open the box. "There's nothing in it except this button that reads, push to play."

Peach nodded her head knowingly. "It's probably some trick set up by the producers."

Unfortunately Amazee Dayzee happened to be passing by, she saw the bright red shiny button and simply couldn't resist. "TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!!!" Before Bombette could blink she ripped the box away from her and pressed the button.

There was a chorus of "Don'ts!" but it was too late. The lights immediately shut off.

"Dammit, now look what you did you stupid flower." Sonic yelled into the darkness.

Parakarry flew into one of the walls, letting out a pain-filled shout. "Hey, who turned off the lights?"

"I told you it was a trick." Peach said with a sigh.

_In the Confession Room…_

Luigi sat in the darkness, staring at the camera light. "If you ask me, that retard, um, what's her name, well, what's _its_ name… Amazee Dayzee cheated. She's as dumb as a doornail and somehow got through with the likes of us. I mean no one here is as a complete and utter fool as she is not even…" He was cut off by knocking on the door.

"Who's there?"

"Tuki."

Luigi found himself continuing before he could stop the words. "Tuki who?"

"TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!!!" The door burst open and in came Amazee Dayzee.

Luigi turned to the camera, putting his hand on his forehead. "See what I mean?"

_Meanwhile…_

The others continued to wait in the dark, some patiently and others not so much. The Green Axem Ranger completely blew his lid. "I'm gonna start (Edited for content)ing breaking shit if the lights don't (Edited once again for content)ing come back on."

As if a response the lights promptly returned yet everything was missing, well besides the players. The floor had been transformed into a huge Twister board complete with a giant spinner on the wall.

Ashlee Simpson looked around for a moment. "What the hell is this?"

Up from the floor Kandy arrived on a rising pedestal in a pathetic pose. She had an afro wig on with a sparkly disco dress. "Did someone call for a game of Twister?"

"Nope, no one here." Geno lied.

Kandy let out some eccentric laughter. "Doesn't matter… get ready to Par-tay!"

The lights flickered once more and all of the contestants were transformed into disco gear. The women in the same style as Kandy and the men in white pants with a shirt that was cut low to reveal lots of manly chest hair even if they didn't have any.

Bowser looked to Bombette mockingly. "Who wants to play Twister? I'll show you Twister you stupid shit for brains."

"Calm down, Bowser. After all, she didn't press the button." Mario retorted.

Kandy noticed the unenthused glances from the contestants. "Okay, fine. Since you talked me into it there will be a prize for the winner. Let's get started. We've randomly chose the order."

The first round passed by with ease, all of the players joined in even Amazee Dayzee. The play continued slowly, one round Bowser fell on top of three people consequently knocking them out of the game, another round Peach's dress ripped and everyone in the room saw her badonkadonk she promptly excused herself along with several others who needed to visit the bathroom, eventually the final round approached.

"The only remaining players are Bombette and Waluigi!" Kandy shouted with glee as she spun the spinner. "Right hand purple!"

Bombette's strategy was simple yet brilliant. Every time she used her bomb attack, blowing a piece of herself over to the space she needed while keeping part of her on the other spaces. Waluigi just used his lanky arms and legs.

"Ooo, I got it. So close." Waluigi whispered to himself as he stretched his arm over to the purple space. He began to wobble. "NOOOOOO!!!" He screamed as he fell to the floor landing on his big nose.

"Bombette is the winner." Kandy stated, going over to her and giving her the proper congrats.

She evilly looked to Waluigi who was wallowing on the floor. "I may be small but I have plenty of tricks up my sleeve."

Kandy started to leave but was quickly stopped. "What's my prize?" Bombette questioned.

She frowned in return hoping she wouldn't remember. "Oh right, that. Tell her what she's won, Johnny!"

"A BRAND NEW CAR!!!"

Bombette nearly pissed her pants. "Really? Really? I won a car!"

The announcer laughed. "No, no. But something even better…"

"A house? A yacht? A pool?" Bombette dreamily asked.

"For your comfort and enjoyment, A BRAND NEW PILLOW!"

Bombette's faced dropped quicker than an 80 year old toad with a heart condition at Hooter's. "A fucking pillow?"

The announcer continued as if she hadn't spoken. "Courtesy of Sleep Masters. Enjoy the sleep that king Toadstool gets on the revolutionary Feather Master 3000TM, made only with real feathers. Sleep like a king, feel like a king. A 500 coin value."

Kandy skipped happily to the exit. "See you in the morning, get some rest."

The pillow dropped from the ceiling, Bombette quickly grabbed it before anyone else could. The lights shut off and returned several minutes later, everything put back in its place and everyone in their own clothes.

_The following day at five in the morning…_

The groggy contestants were awakened by none other than the annoying Kandy. "I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know!"

"I don't think anyone cares." Toad mumbled to her.

Kandy blew him a kiss. "Everyone ready?"

Daisy let out a sarcastic laugh. "Um, hello, you just woke us… how the hell are we supposed to be _ready_? It takes me three hours to shower, dress, and put on my makeup."

"Oh, in that case, you have exactly…" Kandy glanced to her watch. "Five, four…"

"She can't be serious, can she?" Peach asked Mario.

"…Three…"

Birdo let out a low growl. "Can we just kill her now?"

"…Two…"

"I like this girl." Bowser said with a chuckle.

"…One…"

Daisy shook her head. "Bitch."

Kandy jumped in the air. "Zero! Okay guys, blindfold 'em!"

"Oh no, not again!" Lakilester pleaded.

As before, ninjas dressed in black came from nowhere and knocked everyone out. Each of the contestants awoke separately about an hour later in a bare, completely white, unmarked room. Only a small television hanged in one corner. Upon consciousness, the TV turned on and fuzzed for a few moments before it focused on a man in a white and red mask. Beady red eyes and a mouth that moved like a puppet completed his face. The unknown person spoke in a hazy voice. "Hello, I want to play a game."

Lady Bow stared at the television wide-eyed. "Oh, let me guess. Something about not appreciating life or some shit like that, hm? Am I right? Do I pass go? Do I collect two hundred coins?"

The contestants watched as the man continued. "This game is called 'What Would You Do?' What are you willing to do for some coins? Anything? You've all been in this show thinking you were going to win a hundred million coins but what if I told you it was nothing but a lie. If I said that this is where the game ended would you believe me? Would you eat your own feces and jump up and down like a mental person in a psych ward?"

Bobo shrugged his shoulders. "Too late."

"…Mark my words, you will be visited by three ghosts. Julius Caesar, Chris Farley, and the coolest most bestest awesomiest ghost of all… can you guess? Take a wild guess at who it is."

Daisy hung her head, shaking it slowly. "Bitch."

The voice giggled before continuing. "No, not Willy Wonka. Me! Kandy!" She threw off the mask with a big smile on her face. "I had you going, didn't I? Ooo, you should have seen the looks on your faces. Well, I can't see them now but when I review the tape I will. I was just joking with you guys. Open the door."

In each room the door opened to release the contestants into a room with a panel of three judges. Kandy was nearby in front of a video camera. Once everyone had gathered into the larger room, Kandy proceeded to explain. "This is your first challenge!"

She was interrupted by Don Pianta, the gangster of 'Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door'. "We have to find the antidote before the toxin slowly eats away our insides?"

"No."

"We have to saw off our own legs?" Monty Mole suggested.

Kandy nodded her head happily.

"I knew it." Monty replied.

She let out a smirk. "No, no, that was just a joke. It has nothing to do with Jigsaw or killing yourself or anything sadistic like that. The name of your first challenge is 'Design Time'! Let me introduce our panel of judges. First we have Heidi Doom the highly rated fashion model toad."

Heidi smiled sweetly to the contestants. "Morning, everyone."

"Then we have Frank from the highly rated television series 'Swapping Spaces'."

He waved to the players. "Hey, guys."

Kandy rolled her eyes at the last judge. "And lastly, the one who thought up the idea to make you think you were going to die, Simon Cow… that guy with the accent."

Simon flicked off the camera. "Don't bother me."

"Today you are going to be decorating the room you were just in. No rules on what you can and cannot due. Everything you need is over there, paint, furniture, fabrics, whatever. You will be judged by our esteemed panel that is joining us for the first three challenges. You have ten hours and your time starts now. Good luck!"

Bowser looked at Kandy in disbelief. "A _design_ challenge? Where's the blood, where's the gore? Where's the "I want to play a game" theory?"

Kandy brought her hand to her mouth. "Oh, is someone a teeny bit upset? Poor Bowsie Wowsie, use red if you have so much rage."


	8. Chapter 8 Design Time

Chapter 8 – _Design Time_

The contestants quickly went to work; painting, building, figuring out the color schemes, etc. The bad guys particularly had a hard time while the girls found it to be a breeze. Eventually a large buzzer sounded in the main room, telling everyone time was up. Kandy addressed the waiting contestants. "Good job, everyone. The judges will look at your rooms, deliberate, and then you will be notified with further instructions."

"What do we do in the mean time?" Kammy Koopa asked.

Kandy scrunched up her face as if she had been asked some disgusting question. "Omigod, are you guys that retarded? See the room over there labeled 'Waiting Room'? Go _wait_ in it."

Baby Bowser made his way over to the room with the others. "Man, who put her panties in a wad?"

"No one from the looks of it." Bowser said with a smirk.

After some small talk, a few rounds of 7-up, and simply staring at the wall aimlessly Kandy walked into the scene. "Hello guys, thanks for your patience. If the following group of people would please come with me to another room that would be lovely. Let's see here…" She consulted some papers in her hand before continuing. "…Amazee Dayzee, Baby Bowser, Bobo, Bullet Bill, Daisy, Jeffrey Star, Johnny Depp, Jonathon Jones, Marilyn, Peach, Petey Piranha, Professor E. Gadd, Rawk Hawk, the Red Axem Ranger, Rover, Sonic, Toadette, Valentina, Waluigi, and Wario."

Kandy led the chosen group to a separate room, letting them inside and telling them to wait. She then returned to the 'Waiting Room' flashing a big grin. "Congratulations to you all, your room designs have been adequate enough to pass you on to the next round. You will be transported back to the base momentarily."

Several minutes later she re-emerged in the other room, silently motioning for them to follow her. She led the players to the room with the judges, placing them in a line in front of the panel.

Heidi Doom nodded to her. "Thank you, Kandy. The twenty of you represent the best and the worst designs. As you know, five of you will be proclaimed the winners and five of you will be proclaimed the losers and immediately sent home. For the winners though, Johnny could you tell them the prize?"

"Why certainly, Heidi, the five lucky winners will return back to the base with a BRAND NEW QUEEN SIZE BED! Courtesy of Sleep Masters. Enjoy the sleep that king Toadstool gets on the revolutionary Comfort Master 3000TM, made only with air light springs. A complimentary oak bed frame included. Sleep like a king, feel like a king. A 10,000 coin value."

"Ooo, aren't you the lucky ones." Simon said with a laugh.

Heidi ignored him as she scanned the nervous players. "First, we'd like to start with Bullet Bill. Could you explain your design?"

He nodded dumbly. "Sure, uh, you see I like to blow up stuff. So, I made the room in commando style complete with loads of guns and a bunker and yea… it's freaking awesome, man."

Simon let out a long sigh. "The _only_ thing awesome is that you've already provided me with a gun to shoot you with."

Frank shrugged his shoulders. "Um, you know, Bill, I have to agree. That room was grade A ugly. Nothing was done well at all; you never do a room in camouflage."

"Daisy, do you mind explaining your design?" Heidi asked as she turned to her.

"Oh, of course, of course. I call it spring time, I used bright fun colors like yellow and cream to draw the person in. I feel as though the first thing you notice about a room is the color and if it's inviting than the person wants to walk right in." She replied with a smile.

Frank returned the smile with a grin of his own. "It was very cute. I especially loved the flowers you painted on the wall. I just wanted to have a tea party right then and there."

"Yes, those flowers did make me want to drop a pot of scalding hot tea on the front of my pants." Simon mundanely added.

Heidi gave him the look of death. "Well, I don't care what Simon says I loved it. Next is Professor E. Gadd."

The timid and short scientist cleared his throat, stepping forward slightly. "I incorporated all of my genius designs. The average toad is, to be frank, lazy. I believe comfort is the first thing you want when you come into a room and I gave just that."

"I thought it was amazing. I still can't believe you made it to where a push of a button you can change the color of the walls to adapt to your mood. The remote that used voice recognition to come to you if you lost it, completely blows my mind. You, sir, are a very talented man." Frank said with a wink, leaning forward slightly. "Give me a call sometime."

Simon gave a look of repulsion before turning to Gadd. "Yes it was brilliant. Congratulations on adding to the obesity epidemic."

"Baby Bowser, did you design your room to look like a dungeon on purpose?" Heidi questioned.

"Yep, that's what I was going for." He said.

Heidi raised an eyebrow. "_Right_. I don't think we need to elaborate on what an awful idea that was. Wario, you're next."

He gave a light chuckle. "I think my idea is pretty self-explanatory."

"What idea? All you put in the room was a fridge, a bed, and a blow-up doll." Frank replied.

Wario nodded. "Yea, everything you will ever need."

Simon cracked a smile. "Yes, that blow-up doll is everything you're ever going to get."

"The challenge was to make a design. You left the room as it was." Heidi expressed.

He shrugged in return. "I'm a simple kind of person."

"Simple in the _brain_." Simon added.

Heidi glanced down at her notes. "Moving forward… Rawk Hawk, what about you? What's your excuse?"

"My inspiration was everything big and meaty… like me." He squeezed his muscles, giving Heidi some hinting eyebrow wiggles.

Heidi gave an over-reacted gag in return. "I guess that's partially right, everything in your room was big and bulky and hideous. Everything was gold-colored which off set my eye sight and made me want to pass out."

"Gold like my champion belt."

"Gold like the chain I'm going to strangle you with." Simon stated.

Frank couldn't think of anything to say that would be appropriate for television so he found the next person. "Bobo, we'd like to talk to you next. Aw, aren't you just adorable."

The Ukiki stepped forward shyly. "Y-yes?"

Heidi smiled kindly to him. "We loved your design. It was so feng shui."

"All he did was throw shit on the walls. You call _that_ feng shui?" Simon exclaimed.

Frank nodded. "It gave it a wonderful textured look. Great idea."

Simon's mouth dropped. "I don't know who the monkey is anymore."

"We now come to you, Peach." Heidi pressed on.

"The one word I use to describe my room is tranquility. I used darker neutral colors such as blue to sooth the person in the room." She explained.

Simon rolled his eyes. "We were shocked you didn't use pink."

"It was a good change." Frank said full of encouragement.

Heidi's eyes focused on the Red Axem Ranger. "On the opposite end, we have you."

"I felt like I was the lint stuck in Santa's fat ass belly button from all the red." Simon scorned.

Frank agreed. "It was way too much."

"They don't call me the Red Axem Ranger for nothing." He retorted.

Heidi pursed her lips. "Well, they may not call you anything after this. Someone who _was_ right on key, Jeffrey Star, your design was completely fashion forward. I fell in love with the patterns and color schemes; it looked like you had a month to do the room instead of ten hours."

Jeffrey smiled happily, speaking with a fake lisp. "Thanks Heidi. You're, like, one of my idols. When I was a kid I wanted to be just like you."

"Using curtains to make a storage space was really fantastic." Frank added.

"Yes, making up for the closet that wasn't there because you needed to get in it, unless you're out of the closet." Simon said with a snort.

Heidi gave him a look that spoke volumes. "Shut up, Simon. From Jeffrey to Johnny, Mr. Depp your design was very well executed, congrats. And now from Johnny to Jonathon Jones, do you care to share with us what your idea was?"

The pirate shark stepped forward. "Argh, yes me lady. I used a sailor theme."

"We noticed. Your sailor design was gayer than the one from the village people." Simon ridiculed.

Frank cleared his throat. "Um, Simon, there wasn't a sailor in the village people."

Simon smiled. "You would know, wouldn't you Frank?"

"What are you trying to say? I'm married."

Simon laughed. "What does that matter? So was toad Senator Mark Foley."

Heidi quickly spoke up to change the subject. "Valentina your taste is impeccable. Your design looked as though it cost thousands of coins."

She grinned proudly. "Thank you, Heidi. I used lighting techniques and various paint patterns to make it seem antique and expensive."

"If only we could use lighting techniques to fix your face." Simon asserted.

"On the other hand, Marilyn, your room was depressing. _Why_ did you find it necessary to paint it in dark purple and place spider webs everywhere?" Heidi inquired.

Her fat face jiggled as she tried to speak. "Guh, buh, ty ty, dur ba, po tee tee, dur ba duh."

The judges exchanged questioning glances.

Heidi took the floor. "Well, anyway, due to time restraints we can't address the rest of you personally. Though I can tell you that Amazee Dayzee, Sonic, and Toadette your designs were above par and Petey Piranha, Rover, and Waluigi your designs were definitely way below."

The contestants were led by Kandy out of the room temporarily for one last deliberation. Kandy then led the assorted group back in, the judges with stern faces.

Heidi scanned the group stopping at Daisy. "Daisy, you're in. You may join the others."

She happily skipped away.

"And now for our first winner… congratulations, Jeffrey Star, your design was perfect. Your prize will be waiting for you at the base. You may join the others."

He left in the same fashion as Daisy, except with even more skippiness.

"Baby Bowser, you're in. You may join the others…Rover, you're in. You may join the others. And now, for our first loser… I'm sorry, Rawk Hawk, you have been eliminated. Upon arrival at the base you have ten minutes to pack your belongings and leave."

He flooded with anger. "What? My design was the coolest. You guys suck. Kiss my ass, Simon." He ran off before Simon could come up with some smart-alecky response.

"Amazee Dayzee, you're in. You may join the others."

She looked around for a minute. "TUKI-TUKI?"

Heidi grinned and pointed toward the door. "TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI."

Amazee Dayzee nodded and left.

Sonic turned to Heidi. "Um, you speak… tuki?"

"Oh yea, I had to learn it in college. Anyway, Johnny Depp you're in. You may join the others. And now, our second winner… congratulations, Peach."

She curtsied to the panel. "Thank you so much."

"Toadette, you're in. You may join the others. And now, our second loser… I'm sorry, Marilyn, you have been eliminated."

She ran off crying, running into the wall before she made it to the door.

"Petey Piranha, you're in. You may join the others. And now, our third winner… congratulations, Bobo."

Waluigi shook his head. "Wah? You're kidding right? Shit-covered walls are winning material?"

Heidi gave a sarcastic giggle. "You have no room to talk, Mr. 'Don't ask me about that white stuff in the lava lamp.'"

Wario looked to his brother. "You didn't!"

He nodded slyly in return. "Oh yea, I sure did."

"That is so… awesome!" Wario shouted as he gave him a high-five.

Bobo quietly took his leave as Heidi continued to read off the remaining contestants' fates. "And now, our third loser… I'm sorry, Bullet Bill, you have been eliminated."

Everyone watched as he turned red and then exploded.

"Wow, he didn't take that very well. Red Axem Ranger, you're in. You may join the others. And now, our fourth winner… congratulations, Valentina."

She portrayed fake surprise. "Oh, me? Really? Oh, I had no idea." While secretly thinking, 'Duh, of course I would win.'

"And now, our fourth loser… I'm sorry, Jonathon Jones, you have been eliminated."

He looked around slowly, raising up his sword. "Argh! If I was you, me wouldn't sleep tonight." He screamed at the judges before leaving.

Simon turned to one of the producers. "Call my lawyer; tell him to get a restraining order on that guy."

"Sonic, you're in. You may join the others. And now, our fifth and final winner… congratulations, Professor E. Gadd."

He jumped up happily. "Very well, see you later then, in a much better rested state."

"Now we have only Waluigi and Wario remaining. One of you will be in and one of you will be out." Heidi paused before turning to Wario. "Wario, you're… out. You have been eliminated."

"WHAT? You can't send me home after the first challenge! I'm one of the main characters." He exclaimed.

Simon looked to him a smirk on his face. "Well, obviously not in this story. Goodbye, oh, and don't forget your blow-up doll."


	9. Chapter 9 The KKK

Chapter 9 – _The KKK_

As promised, the contestants were transported back to the base within thirty minutes, this time without the unnecessary use of ninjas. The five losers packed their belongings and were promptly kicked off the show.

Waluigi was furious at the elimination of his brother, especially when a monkey threw shit on the walls and was not only passed through but was one of the winners. He proceeded to release his anger in the confession room. He screamed at the camera and took in a few deep breaths, then released a slew of obscenities.

"Sorry about that, but I'm just so freaking pissed off right now. Don't worry, brother, I will get that damn little monkey for you. I will win this whole damn thing! At least he didn't put shit on the walls, god, those judges are going to die!!!"

_Meanwhile…_

Peach jumped onto her queen-size bed, sighing happily. "Oh, Mario, come join me."

The plumber joined her, resting his head on her leg. "Care to make some good television tonight?"

"In your dreams." She replied with a shocked look. Mario didn't think anything of it, he knew if the cameras weren't there that it would have been a very different situation.

Jeffrey Star was also relaxing on his prize. He scanned the room before stopping upon Geno. "Hey baby, I got this nice big comfy bed if you want to join me."

He looked at one of the cameras nearby, fiercely whispering to it. "Help me!"

"Aw, come on, I'm waiting." Jeffrey patted the spot beside him before continuing. "I don't bite… unless you want me to."

Valentina on the other hand didn't want a bedmate, slapping anyone who even came near her. She looked deeply into her mirror, blowing it kisses. "Who's the fairest of them all?" Next she disguised her voice, pretending to be the mirror. "Why you are, Miss V." She curled her hair in one finger, grinning wildly. "Oh, I know."

"Tell your mirror to get some glasses." Janice Dickinson muttered as she passed.

The professor had already altered his bed to recline, heat the sheets, and even make damn espressos. He took a sip from his gourmet coffee, licking the foam from his lips. "Ah, this is so much better than the floor." He looked up to see Amazee Dayzee eyeing him expectantly.

"What the hell are you looking at?" He asked.

She slowly crept over a few steps at a time. "TUKI-YUM-YUM!"

"Oh mommy."

The last prize winner, Bobo, was jumping up and down on his bed. The spectacle had actually gathered a few viewers.

Kammy Koopa stared at him, her head bobbing up and down as he jumped. "One little monkey jumping on the bed…"

Bowser went up and pushed him off, laughing while he did it. "Oops."

She continued with the song. "…He fell off and bumped his head, mama called the doctor and the doctor said–"

"HELP ME!!!" Gadd screamed as he ran by, Amazee Dayzee on his heels.

They all watched him pass, shrugging their shoulders.

Exhausted from the day's challenge, many of the contestants went to bed early that evening. Bobo had been knocked unconscious when he fell, so his bed was practically up for grabs. Bowser claimed it as his own and no one was brave enough to fight him for it. It was quite a Kodak moment… Bowser, Kammy Koopa, and Baby Bowser all snug as three bugs in a rug, asleep in the bed.

Actually, many of the beds had some threesome or foursome action going on except of course Valentina. Peach was joined by Mario, Luigi, and Daisy in her bed. Professor E. Gadd found it impossible to get away from Amazee Dayzee so he befriended her, yes, a very odd friendship at that. You may find it hard to believe, but he has the heart of a cuddly grandfather and couldn't resist the cuteness of Bombette and Mallow. They lay right at his side; Amazee Dayzee chose to sleep at the end of the bed, like a dog or cat. Luckily, all the others are short so it didn't bother them at all.

The sun was rising as Geno sleepily opened his eyes, the light beams disturbing his rest as they made their way through the single window in the 'home'. It was a window high in the ceiling and happened to be right over the bed he was sleeping in. He turned to see Jeffrey Star and immediately jumped up falling from the bed. The movement woke Jeffrey who looked to him curiously.

"Come back to bed, sweetie." Jeffrey said to him in the best 'sexy' voice he could muster.

Geno's mouth dropped. "Wh-what _happened_ last night?"

"I had you screaming; "Yes, oh yes, don't stop!" all night." He replied, a sly grin on his face.

As fate would have it, Jeffrey wasn't lying in the least. The night-vision cameras caught some very dirty action… let's take a look shall we?

_Rewinding to the previous night…_

Everyone was already sleeping as Geno stumbled drunkenly over to Jeffrey's bed. "Hey, man, is your offer still open?"

He licked his lips in return, giving him a wink. "Oh yea, _anything_ for you, stud."

Geno eased between the cool sheets, throwing his clothes off, his body remaining hidden underneath the blankets. Then that's when Jeffery disappeared beneath them as well. And the motion of–

STOP!

If we want to keep this PG-13 rated, moving forward would be a very intelligent idea.

_Fast-forwarding to the current moment after that unnecessary innuendo…_

Geno rushed to the bathroom, quickly showering but it didn't wash away the shame.

Pidgit awoke and looked around, glancing at his watch. "Where's Kandy? I'm surprised that dumb bitch hasn't already gotten here."

Not five seconds later, Kandy emerged from the single exit.

"You just _had_ to say something, didn't you?" Bowser shouted to him.

"Wakey wakey, sunshine. Time for your next elimination challenge!" She screamed gleefully.

Most of the contestants were awake and well ready, knowing that she would come for them at some outrageous early hour.

Raphael rolled his eyes. "You don't have to yell, we're right here."

Kandy skipped over to him, pulling his ear to her mouth, whispering. "Is this better?"

"Um… yes?"

"SHUT UP!" She shouted into his ear. "Did I ask for your opinion?"

He brought his leg back to kick the shit out of her. Kandy simply laughed. "Go ahead and do it. But you have to ask yourself, is it worth 100,000,000 coins?"

Raphael bit his tongue to silence himself, slowly returning his foot back to the ground instead of up Kandy's ass like he would've wanted it.

Our overly obnoxious host let out a girly giggle. "That's what I thought. Can anyone guess what we're doing today?"

"Playing pin the knife in Kandy?" Kammy Koopa hatefully replied. Many of the other contestants snickered at her response.

If looks could kill, Kandy would have just murdered everyone in the room. "No, but knives _are_ involved."

"We have to murder someone and whoever covers it up the best wins?" Don Pianta questioned, using his pessimistic mind.

Everyone slowly took a step away from him as Kandy spoke. "No, you psycho, guess again."

Jeffrey leaped into the air, suddenly full of excitement. "We get to cook?"

Kandy grinned as she nodded. Bowser was far from excited to say in the least. "Ah, shit, something else that's totally queer."

Luigi laughed at his comment. "What do you expect? The judges are a gay designer, a fashion model, and someone who can laugh at how bad we do."

"He's got a point." Baby Bowser said to his upset father. He was going to reply until Kandy cut him off.

"And the good news _continues_, we're using teams this challenge. Don't get too excited though, we've already chosen them. I'll tell you about all of that after we arrive at the kitchen."

The players were loaded into an 18-wheeler and transported to the location of the day's previous challenge. Except this time it was a giant kitchen, the judges table was in its same place.

Daisy looked around confused. "Isn't this where we were yesterday?"

"Yep."

"How did you guys manage to set this all up in _less_ than a day?" She questioned.

Kandy shrugged. "Secrets of television." Then she proceeded to tell everyone the groups for 'Kandy's Kooking Kontest' or so she labeled it, being easily abbreviated to the KKK. The teams were announced as follows…

_Team A_

Peach

Rover

Wiggler

Monty Mole

_Team B_

Doopliss

Jeffrey Star

Baby Bowser

Bombette

_Team C_

Yoshi

Lady Bow

Sonic

Raphael

_Team D_

Waluigi

Twila

Bobo

Goombario

_Team E_

Toad

Amazee Dayzee

Green Axem Ranger

Janice Dickinson

_Team F_

Luigi

Ashlee Simpson

Big Bertha

Pidgit

_Team G_

Professor E. Gadd

Petey Piranha

Jinx

Birdo

_Team H_

Frogfucius

Daisy

Bowser

Piantissimo

_Team I_

Valentina

Red Axem Ranger

Don Pianta

Kammy Koopa

_Team J_

Geno

Toadette

Lakilester

Brighton

_Team K_

Mario

Johnny Depp

Mallow

Parakarry

Peach glanced around at her teammates, obviously upset. "How is it that I got stuck with a bunch of _losers_?"

"I didn't fair much better." Luigi retorted.

"Oh, would you please stop bitching." Simon interrupted, placing his hand on his head to accentuate his annoyance.

Kandy gave a loud sigh. "Oh yes, that reminds me… you all know the judges." She pointed gingerly to each, restating their names for TV purposes.

"As you can see, there are eleven teams with four members each. At the end of the challenge the top five and the bottom five teams will be revealed. Meaning one team will automatically be safe. For the other teams though, one winner will be announced from each of the top five. And in the same fashion, one loser will be announced from each of the bottom five. Now, for the KKK…"

The lights above focused on eleven different cooking stations, each with their own ovens, sinks, burners, kitchenware, and anything else you might possibly need to cook with.

Heidi resumed the explanation where Kandy left off. "Your job is to work together to create a three course meal in which we will taste and judge. Not only will you be tested on the matter of how good the food is, we will also add or deduct points for creativity and how the food is plated. The main freezer and pantry are located in the middle of the stations for easy access, and contain almost any ingredients imaginable."

"You will have ten minutes to come up with the idea for your meal, an additional forty minutes to prepare, and finally one hour to cook. A separate ten minutes are set aside and can be used as you wish, we suggest for the plating." Frank added and then nudged Simon.

"Hm? Oh, am I supposed to _say_ something right now? I am? Oh, right… begin?" He looked around for a moment. "What that right?"

The producers whispered and told him it was, then Simon looked to the waiting contestants. "I just said begin… so what the bloody hell are you waiting for?"

The players quickly rushed off to their assigned stations, and thus the KKK begun.


	10. Chapter 10 WHO'S on the Menu?

Note: I sincerely apologize for the wait. I gave up on myself but decided to push through and I've gotten back into it. So, as a treat for having to wait for so long… here are the next three chapters! Enjoy!

Chapter 10 – _WHO'S on the Menu?_

Before the contestants could get to cooking, they had to come up with what they were going to cook.

Peach looked to her teammates. "I can do dessert, I make a mean cake. Can you guys make _anything_?"

"Garden salad?" Wiggler suggested, the only thing he ate himself.

Peach sighed in return. "I guess that's the appetizer. What about you, Rover?" He cocked his head in confusion. "Never mind…"

Peach's team wasn't the only one getting off to a rough start. Luigi wasn't having much luck either. Jeffrey Star and his team on the other hand had already started preparing their food. Jeffrey himself was making steak with fancy dressings no one could pronounce, Doopliss was making cheese sticks, Bombette was helping all three, and Baby Bowser was assigned the dessert… we'll see how that goes.

Mario and his team were the first to get cooking, but what else would you expect from our hero? Most of the contestants knew how to make _something_, even if it wasn't particularly well. All they had to do was be better than their teammates and they were safe… that's what Peach was hoping for anyway.

The cooking portion passed extremely fast for our players. A bell rang throughout the kitchen, telling the contestants only ten minutes remained. So, whether edible or not, they plated what they had.

Kandy went over to the producers. "Um, make sure they have a paramedic on hand. Some of these dishes look like dog shit." She quickly smiled and marched over to the nervous players. "Well, well, well, here we are at the moment you've been dreading; the tasting. Now to be fair, we will call the teams in order. So, Team A please come forward and present your dishes."

Peach wiped the sweat from her brow as she approached the judges, expecting the worst from her teammates. "Wiggler was assigned the first course. He made a garden salad."

Wiggler brought the food to the judges and they began to partake. As expected, Simon was quick to criticize.

"A blind homeless man could make a better salad than this using grass and garbage." He scorned.

Heidi was nicer in response, but agreed. "It is rather plain."

'Shit, that's one strike.' Peach thought to herself. "Heh, Monty Mole was assigned the next course."

He took his cue and stepped forward, presenting some dark goop that was frightening in smell and color.

Frank held his nose, feeling nauseated. "Do we really have to taste this?"

"Don't be such a fag." Simon called to him as he took a big spoonful and brought it to his mouth. He chewed slowly as everyone watched waiting for his reaction. "Surprisingly that wasn't half bad. What's it made of?"

Monty Mole smiled meekly. "Worms."

Simon paused mid-chew, pulling a bucket from underneath the judges table and spitting into it. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to poison me?"

"Like that would be a bad thing." Heidi muttered to herself as she pushed the bowl away. "Um, what's next?"

Peach stepped forward, presenting a beautifully mouth-watering strawberry cake. She gave each judge a plate and stepped back. "That would be my famous Princess Cake."

Frank gave a wide grin. "Looks yummy." He exclaimed before he took a bite. "Oh, that is delectable." Enunciating each word to prove his point.

"I've had better." Simon replied.

Heidi licked her icing-covered lips. "Well Peach, you just might have saved your team from being in the bottom five."

She smiled her Peachy grin in return. Looking at her idiot teammates and cursing them inside her head.

"At least no ones dead yet." Kandy said gloomily. "Alright, Team B your turn."

Jeffrey Star moved forward, shooting a dirty glance at Peach. "Prepare to have your taste buds blown away by our delicious creations."

"Get on with it, Martha Stewart." Simon interrupted.

Jeffrey nodded to Doopliss who changed into Simon momentarily. "Oh, look at me. I have an accent and I'm so cool. My mother hasn't called me in years and my father abused me when I was little. Perhaps that's why I'm such an asshole. I don't know maybe it's because I never get laid."

Everyone stared wide-eyed and then burst into laughter, except for Simon of course who was staring with fire in his eyes.

Jeffrey also wasn't laughing knowing that greatly hindered their chances of winning. "Doopliss stop being a fool and present your dish… please."

He shrugged and changed back placing the cheese sticks in front of the panel. "Pretty self explanatory cheese sticks and marina sauce made from scratch."

Heidi and Frank enjoyed them but Simon had his own opinion. "If I was in the middle of a jungle dying from hunger and you offered me these I would simply spit in your face and say I'd rather die."

"Well, hopefully you won't feel the same about the next course." Jeffery stated through clenched teeth as he stepped forward, presenting an elegantly plated steak which smelled fantastic.

Frank cut into the steak, juice dripping from it. "Mmm, this is absolutely to die for. I've never had a better steak in my life."

"You've outdone yourself once again, Jeffrey." Heidi praised as he smiled broadly.

"It was good." Simon managed to muster.

Baby Bowser then stepped forward to present the last course. "Here we have a double chocolate cake, laced in caramel and a special chocolate dressing."

Bowser looked to his son. "Where the hell did you lean to cook like that?" An evil grin quickly filled his face. "I know, it's not really chocolate is it?"

"It's really chocolate, dad. You don't have to be evil all the time." He replied sourly.

Bowser stepped forward. "Oh _hell_ nah! You ain't gonna be no goody goody if you know what's good for you. Do you want to end up like your brother?"

"Sorry to break up this father, son moment but they have to taste your cake now." Kandy interrupted.

Simon looked at the dish fearfully. "Well, here goes nothing… oh, my, god! That was absolutely positively wonderful!"

Baby Bowser's face perked up. "Really?"

"No, you twit. I was being sarcastic. Yes it was good, practically perfect." Simon answered, confusing everyone.

Heidi shook her head. "Here let me see for myself." She slowly chewed a piece of the cake. "It _is_ delicious! Simon wasn't lying for once."

"Great. Team C?" Kandy said impatiently.

Yoshi and his team members approached the table. "For our first course we have deviled eggs. I made them myself, secret recipe."

Simon paused before eating. "Wait, did you use _your_ eggs?"

Yoshi nodded, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"That is totally twisted… but something I would do. Yummy!" Simon replied as he ate one.

Yoshi's deviled Yoshi eggs were moderately well received although most of the people in the room thought that it was morally wrong. Granted this game is far from morally correct.

Lady Bow approached next, placing lamb in front of the judges. Simon didn't wait for an explanation and started munching. He grinned and was once again well receptive.

"Very tender and well seasoned." Heidi complimented.

Frank nodded. "I would pay 5,000 coins for this if I had to. It's great."

The last course was a Sonic and Raphael made apple pie. Simon said it tasted like he was licking the toilet seat of a porter potty with a hint of rotten apples. Heidi was more gracious and said it was okay but was lacking. Frank used the term it's not the best.

"Team D you're up." Kandy yelled.

Goombario looked around a minute, whispering to Waluigi. "Where's Bobo?" The little Ukiki was no where to be found.

"He'll be along in a minute." Waluigi replied.

Twila looked to Goombario questioningly, he shrugged in return. She decided to go on without him and brought a plate of fig cookies to the table. "I hope you enjoy." She stated plainly.

Simon was the first to judge. "Well it was a better use of fruit than the porter potty pie."

"It was good." Heidi said warmly. Frank agreed, saying something similar. Team D's outlook seemed bright, but that was shattered as the next teammate came forth.

"Now, for the second course we have roast Ukiki." Waluigi offered the plate to the judges, a sly grin on his face.

Everyone's mouths dropped as Heidi asked the question that was on everyone's mind. "You cooked Bobo?"

"No… we _roasted_ him. It was a team decision." He replied, a crazed look in his eye.

"A team what?" Goombario barked. "I had no hand in this at all, he said he was making chicken!"

Simon grabbed a nearby butcher knife as everyone watched in horror. "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm starving." And without another word he raised the knife and brought it down to chop off the cooked Ukiki's head.

Heidi fainted and Frank threw up, along with several other contestants. Kandy watched in disbelief as Simon took a big bite of a purple mush.

"Mmm, the brains are the best part." He exclaimed.

Kandy continued to watch in shock a moment longer before regaining her senses. "Waluigi, you are disqualified from the game for… killing Bobo." She painfully said.

Two police officers emerged and handcuffed Waluigi, dragging him away while he shouted to the others. "It was totally worth it! I avenged you brother! Muhahaha!"

Mario looked around slowly. "I think this would be a good time to say a prayer for Bobo."

"Who gets his bed?" Bowser asked.

Peach turned to him, tears in her eyes. "Is that all you can think about at a time like this? Bobo has been murdered! All because of this stupid game show."

Simon continued to munch on Bobo's remains, holding up the plate. "Anybody want some?"

Kandy was quickly prompted by the producers to get a hold of the situation. "I know this is a horrific incident and Bobo will be greatly missed but we have a show to complete. Each of you knew coming into this that there would be risks. Since Waluigi was disqualified the remaining two members of Team D are safe, but five teams will still face elimination."

Many of the contestants were in shock as she asked for the next team to step forward. Kandy looked to the judges; Heidi was still knocked out cold, Frank was muttering something to himself about being scarred forever, and Simon was still cold-heartedly eating Bobo's remains.

A short producer with thick dark glasses walked over to Kandy, whispering something in her ear. Kandy nodded in return and addressed the waiting players. "Please come this way."

She led them to the waiting room and ushered them inside.

"What's going to happen now?" Peach asked, wanting to just quit the stupid show.

Kandy laughed dryly. "We are going to carry on as if nothing ever happened. This portion of the contest is going to be edited out before broadcast, it will be as though Bobo had never existed and Waluigi quit the show."

"I think that is the worst thing we can do. We need to have some sort of memoriam for him or have an episode dedicated to him or something." Daisy replied, disgusted that they were going to just sweep this under the carpet.

"You want to be disqualified? Go ahead and try and talk to the producers about it. After you signed that contract you are owned by them. They can do whatever the fuck they want!" Kandy screamed at her.

She then regained her sweetness. "Please wait here, your food is going to be tasted and judged. The esteemed panel will come up with their best and worst picks and I will be back once they have. Thank you." Kandy quickly exited the room before anyone could respond.


	11. Chapter 11 Wah Wah Water

Chapter 11_ – Wah-Wah-Water_

"This makes me sick. I cannot believe this. I'm going to quit! That's it, they can't stop me from doing that!" Peach exclaimed.

Mario quickly rushed over to calm her down. "Whoa, baby, calm down. I know this is awful but you can't just let them win. Quitting would be letting them win."

"No, staying here would be letting them win. What if we all quit? What would they do then, huh?" Peach continued.

Bowser growled in amusement. "I ain't quitting."

There were many players who voiced in agreement with Bowser. Some even considered Bobo's death a good thing. After all, that meant two less people they had to worry about; Waluigi got eliminated because he killed him and Bobo's dead.

"Stay a little longer, okay? If not that you want to at least do it for me." Mario coaxed.

Peach sighed heavily. The amount of coins could seriously change her life but at what cost was she willing to get them? "Fine. I'll stay for now but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this."

"Oh stupid little naïve princess welcome to the real world… not that you would have any idea what it was like; you've been pampered since you were born." Valentina stated, oozing with condescension.

Peach confidently walked over to her, bringing her face inches from Valentina's. "You don't know anything about me. So why don't you go back to your dream world and stare into your mirror and wish how you looked like me. Because to be frank dear, you are the ugliest most pathetic being I've ever seen."

"You need to get out more often than, bitch. Bend over and show everyone what's really ugly." She fumed and began to walk away as if the fight was actually over.

"Can't we all just get along?" Mallow proposed.

"Sure." Peach replied. "But not after I tell that little skank this; at least my face doesn't look like my ass, you don't even have to bend over to frighten someone. You wake up and you have that fugly look already on your face."

Valentina stopped dead in her tracks, slowly turning to face her once more. "Me? What about your pathetic little boyfriend. He's short, fat, and a plumber? I could never understand why you always went off to Bowser I mean, ugh, but now I do… if I had to go see that everyday so would I."

What a way to insult two people at once. Mario and Bowser quickly joined in the fight both feeling offended.

"Is that supposed to mean what I think it does?" Bowser growled.

The green Axem ranger laughed as he joked with the red one. "Oh, please. He knows what that means. Even if he looked half as bad as he does now he'd still have to always steal his girlfriend."

"No one talks about my dad like that!" Baby Bowser yelled.

Lady Bow cackled. "Hehehe! What are you going to do about it, small fry? Even I could beat you!"

"I could beat you with my eyes closed." Kammy Koopa retorted.

"In your dreams, you old hag." Geno piped up.

Suddenly the room was divided into groups; the ones who agreed with Peach and the ones who agreed with Valentina. Poor little Mallow was still trying to keep the peace. He meekly went to the middle of the room trying to calm everyone down.

"Please stop, there's no need for this senseless violence!" He shouted but went unnoticed as insults filled the room.

_You think your shell is something to be proud of? My grandmother bakes a cake harder than that thing. …Bend over and let's see if it's soft enough to fit up your hairy ass!_

_I've seen Toadettes with thicker mustaches than yours. …At least my mom didn't come from an egg, you idiot dinosaur! Aren't you supposed to be extinct?_

"You call that a comeback? I've heard better ones from my priest." A familiar voice with an annoying accent butted in.

Everyone looked over to see Simon peeking his head through the door. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, thought I'd say something. Keep up the snotty work!" Then he was gone.

Then all hell broke loose; your mom this and your mom that, wedgies, I can do this better, you smell like rotten cheese, people crying, people laughing, people huddling in the corner rocking back and forth until finally Mallow had enough.

"BE QUIET!" He screamed as a cloud formed at the top of the room and it started to rain.

Daisy quickly tried to cover her hair with her hands. "Oh no, my hair! Look what you've done you stupid cloud. You never were a frog! I can't believe you thought you were! Some frog you'd make!"

Frogfucius made his way to his grandson, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. Mallow began to cry and as he did the rain became harder.

Pretty soon the water was up to Peach's knees. "Do something Mario!" She yelled. "Or he's going to flood the whole room!"

Mario nodded and rushed over to him. "It's alright, Mallow, she didn't really mean it. I think you'd make a great frog."

That didn't help at all and even made him weep harder, causing the rain to pour down in sheets.

"Now look what you did! We're all going to drown!" Don Pianta shouted at him.

Mario looked to Peach in fear; he didn't know what to say. Peach then looked to Daisy who was still obsessing about her hair being ruined. "It's all your fault! Now we're all going to die because you had to make him upset!"

Now the water had filled half the room, most of the players were floating and the tall ones were neck deep.

Daisy was also crying. "I'm sorry… but look at my hair, it was so beautiful."

"Oh brother." Professor E. Gadd replied, smacking his forehead as he got an idea, swimming toward the door. "Open the door! Try the door!"

Luigi dived under, trying the handle. He returned a few seconds later, his face grim. "Mama mia! It's locked."

Frogfucius then swam over to Mallow who was still crying like a newborn baby. "You have to stop crying, grandson. Or you're going to kill me and yourself and everyone in here!"

"Well maybe I'll come back in a second life as a frog!" He blubbered through his tears, only a few inches until everyone was completely underwater.

Everyone started screaming or praying, hoping that somehow they would get out of this alive.

Kandy walked calmly down the hall toward the door, hearing muffled yells from within. "Hmm, sounds like they're having fun." She then pulled a set of keys from her pocket, slowly going through each one. "Nope, not that one. Hm… this one? No not that one either."

Peach swam over to Mario, holding him close. "I love you. I'll never let go, Mario, I'll never let go." She took a deep breath as the room turned into darkness, water from the floor to the ceiling.

Meanwhile outside the door, Kandy was still taking her time flipping through the keys. "Ah, finally, here's the one." She put the key in the lock, turning it slowly. "Okay you guys here we…" She stopped as she opened the door, water began to flood out.

"Mommy!" She screamed as the water carried her down the hall with the other contestants gasping for air.

The judges were waiting at the table, expecting Kandy to bring the contestants in at any moment.

"What's that sound?" Heidi asked.

Simon paused, listening keenly. "Sounds like… sounds like…"

"Water rushing this way." Frank finished, staring wide-eyed as he looked behind them watching the water flood in their direction.

"No, you fool. It doesn't sound like that at ahhhhhhhhhhhlllllllll." Simon shouted as the water engulfed them, spreading throughout the kitchen, slowly draining through the windows and corridors.

Once the water was all drained it looked like a battlefield; dazed and unconscious contestants all over the place. Luckily, no one was seriously injured but something bad did happen that Heidi quickly revealed.

She looked around confused, soaking wet. "We didn't even get to taste the last three groups."

"The groups that were unfortunately not tasted are fortunately safe from elimination. The remaining teams will be the only teams on the chopping block." Kandy explained as she tried to release the water from her clogged ears.

Goombario and Twila, the standing members from Team D after Waluigi's momentarily lapse in sanity, along with Teams I, J, and K were transported back to the base.

In the mean time, the producers setup a makeshift judges table and brought fresh clothes to the panel, after all they had to look their best. Too bad the contestants weren't given the same privilege; they were lined up dripping like wet mops for the judging.

Heidi Doom looked at them with a blank stare. "You seven teams represent the best and the worst cooks. As you know, five of you will be proclaimed the winners and five of you will be proclaimed the losers and immediately sent home. For the winners though, Johnny could you tell them the prize?"

"Why certainly, Heidi, the five lucky winners will return back to the base with a coupon for a free week of GOURMET FOOD! You and a lucky friend will enjoy the fine cuisine of Torte's International Gourmet line. Courtesy of Torte's International Gourmet. No matter where you are in the Mushroom Kingdom, eat like a gentlemen, feel like a king. A 50,000 coin value."

"Let's hope Torte never hires any of you idiots to cook for him." Simon added with a snort.

Heidi rolled her eyes as she looked at the clipboard she was holding. "Team B, Team C, and Team G please step forward. You are… the top three teams. Congratulations, all of you are safe from elimination and a lucky five of you will receive the amazing prize previously stated."

There was a chorus of sighs on the front line, but behind them Peach was more nervous than a whore in church. She was on Team A and was up for elimination.

"Let's just get straight to the point, shall we? Team B, we would like to start with you. Jeffrey Star, your steak was incredible and Baby Bowser you showed great improvement over last week. Your cake was heavenly and even rivaled Peach's oh so famous one. That is why the judges unanimously agree that you are the winners from your team. Congratulations, you may join the others."

"Thank you so much." Jeffrey replied, ecstatic as he left the room.

Baby Bowser was also filled with joy. "Wait till my dad hears this."

"The remaining members of Team B; Doopliss and Bombette, you may join the others." Heidi announced and they scurried off.

"Team C, we were on the fence about you but one of your members dishes pushed you to the winner's circle. That dish was none other than Lady Bow's. Your lamb was so moist and delicious we would be fools not to award you. Congratulations, you may join the others."

Lady Bow took out her fan and floated around a moment. "Hehehe! I knew you would enjoy my perfection. No one comes close to the amazing Lady Bow!"

"Please, it's not like you won the Nobel Prize." Simon replied, annoyed at her zealous behavior.

She held her tongue and decided to haunt him later that night; after all she is a ghost.

Heidi dismissed the rest of Team C, moving on to the next. "Team G, Petey Piranha your spicy soup was perfectly seasoned and Professor E. Gadd you once again amazed us. That is why you are the winners from your team. Congratulations, you may join the others."

Petey flapped his leafs together and let out a series of roars which left the judges guessing what they meant. At least he seemed happy even if he couldn't verbally communicate it.

The professor was once again a gentleman, bowing politely to the judges. "Thank you once again. It is always an honor." The rest of his team followed him out.

"That leaves four teams and unfortunately you represent the worst. Team A, please step forward." Heidi continued, motioning for them to come forward.

Peach, Rover, Wiggler, and Monty Mole stepped forward. Simon looked them over, his sharp tongue just wanting to attack. "Ah yes, the worm soup that looked like koopa diarrhea. You should really copyright that and sell it, you could be the next prominent chef of Mushroom Kingdom. Well, if all your customers are brain dead."

"Who could forget the plain salad, I mean use some dressing." Frank added.

Heidi looked at Rover questioningly. "And what did you do?"

"NOTHING!" Peach interrupted. "He didn't do anything. I mean come on, if anyone should be eliminated it should be him."

"You're right. I'm sorry, Rover, you have been eliminated." Heidi replied much to Peach's enjoyment.

Rover on the other hand began to growl wildly and foam from the mouth. Luckily they had a dog trainer nearby who managed to drag him out of the place before he attacked anyone.

Simon held his nose. "Whew, he needs a breath mint."

"I don't know why you're smiling." Heidi said to Peach. "Two people are being eliminated from your team."

Her smile quickly dropped as Simon laughed. "Weren't expecting that were you? No need to worry though. Your cake was fine. I'm sorry, Monty Mole, you have been eliminated."

"Peach and Wiggler, you are safe. You may join the others." Heidi added.

Our beloved princess sighed happily as she exited, Wiggler close behind. Monty Mole left solemnly as he stated one last thing. "There weren't only worms in that, Simon. I couldn't find a bathroom."

Simon's eyes widened. "He's just kidding, right? …_Right_?"

"I guess you'll never know." Frank replied with a smirk.

Heidi looked to Team E. "We would like to address you now."

"Let's see would I'd rather have Janice Dickinson's burnt as if it had an encounter with the sun piece of chicken… or the green Axem ranger's green mush that tasted like hemorrhoid cream?" Simon comically pondered.

Frank shivered in disgust. "I hate the smell of hemorrhoid cream, the taste is even worse."

"You would know the smell, eh Frank? Your fat ass probably has dozens of hemorrhoids." Simon retorted.

Heidi interrupted before a fight ensued. "We have made our decision. I'm sorry, Green Axem ranger, you have been eliminated. That means the rest of the team is safe, you may join the others."

The Green Axem ranger started laughing hysterically. "Don't worry, my brother will get you all! He'll be here until the end! He'll eat your livers for a midnight snack!"

"That was mildly creepy." Simon said in response.

"Team F, you're next on our list." Heidi stated, glancing in their direction.

Simon laughed. "F must stand for failure but the biggest failure came from you, Pidgit. Those sausage balls you made tasted like you rolled them around in feces. That's not even the worst part, the actual sausage tasted like bull testicle. Congrats on that, you are a complete retard. I don't even know how you make something taste so horrid but you succeeded, too bad we don't have an award for that."

"Ouch, but yea, it was bad." Frank added.

Heidi felt sorry for the little bird but the game was the game. "If you haven't already concluded who's leaving… I'm sorry, Pidgit, you have been eliminated."

"Good riddance, git. Oh wait, that's not your name. Well it should be!" Simon scorned one last time as the poor Pidgit flew off, tears streaming down its face.

"You are pure evil." Heidi fumed at him before she smacked the back of his head. "Anyway, moving on. Finally Team H we come to you which was a surprise for me. Why do you think you're here, Daisy?"

She giggled sarcastically. "Because of these idiots surrounding me. No offense."

"I hope you take plenty of offense because it's damn true…" Simon started one of his infamous rants.

Frank slowly shook his head. "Here we go."

"You know why? I'll tell you. Frogfucius, the only creature that actually should eat crickets is you, a frog. Do I look like a frog? I don't think so. There's a retard point right there. Bowser, your dish looked like road kill that you ran and picked up real fast. It smelled worse than a skunk in a bathtub full of anchovies in the middle of a dirty locker room full of sweaty jocks. Congrats on retard point number two. And finally, Piantissimo? I have no idea what you even did in the group. So for not doing anything you get retard point number three. Oh, ding ding ding! You win the retard lottery! Too bad the prize isn't a brain. It's some reefer so smoke it up you idiots. Not like you have that many brain cells to kill anyway. Go eat some paint chips, please." Simon was breathing like a madman as he finished, wiping the sweat off his face.

Heidi simply stared at him for a moment. "_Okay_. Um, since Simon took up most of my time. I'll just get out with it. For doing absolutely nothing to help your team; I'm sorry, Piantissimo, you have been eliminated."

Kandy smiled toward the camera. "Well, that concludes the KKK! I hope you had as much fun as I did. And remember… don't ever try to re-enact any of these recipes you've seen today… death or serious injury may occur. Bye bye now!"


	12. Chapter 12 Mirror, Mirror

Chapter 12 – _Mirror, Mirror… Who Sings the Fairest of Them All?_

The contestants were exhausted and soggy when they made it back to the base but they were glad they were somewhere where they could get away from Kandy and Simon.

Mario slumped onto Peach's bed. "Man this thing is getting more intense each day."

"I know, hopefully we won't have another Mallow incident." Peach replied, glancing in the cloud's direction. He was as solemn as ever but he didn't have any more tears to cry. That was definitely a good thing.

Suddenly they heard someone screaming across the room. It was Valentina and she looked furious.

"What's wrong now?" Peach muttered to herself.

"WHO DID IT? WHO TOOK IT?" She yelled at an ear-piercing level.

Jinx looked at her as if she was deranged. "Who took what?"

"Don't look at me like that. My mirror! Some little thief has stolen my precious mirror and when I find out who it is they are going to be sorry!" Valentina screamed in return, setting her sights on Peach and storming in her direction.

Peach couldn't help but laugh. "You think I stole your stupid mirror? What would I want with your crummy old mirror?"

"I know you did it! Just confess and I won't press charges." She replied slyly.

"I have nothing to confess because I didn't take it. Don't assume things, you little whore." Peach shot back at her, getting more and more upset about the fact that this stupid bitch was accusing her of doing something she didn't even do.

Valentina walked over to her, standing over her as Peach sat on her bed. "When I find it you are mine! You better not go to sleep tonight."

Peach slowly stood, forcing Valentina to step back. "Is that a threat?"

"Oh you know it is." She replied and just as she was going to push Peach she noticed something out of the corner of her eye.

It was Amazee Dayzee, slowly skipping along happily in its own little world. Accustomed to its wackiness normally Valentina wouldn't have given the retarded little flower a second glance, but it wasn't Amazee Dayzee itself that caught her eye. It was what she was holding.

"Stop right there, you little monster." Valentina shouted as she turned to face Amazee Dayzee.

She actually listened and stopped, slowly turning. "Tuki?"

"Yes, you! What is that in your hand?"

Amazee Dayzee held up Valentina's mirror, looking at herself in it. "TUKI-TUKI-TUKI-TUKI!"

She gasped as she began to charge. "My mirror! Give that back this instance!"

"Told you I didn't take it." Peach mockingly called to her.

Instead of running as Amazee Dayzee would normally do it held its ground. Its eyes turned red as it began a slow growl. "TUUUUKKKKKIIIII."

Valentina stopped a foot away, slightly frightened but determined to get her mirror back. It was her most prized possession, how else was she going to admire herself all day? "Just give it back and no one will get hurt."

Amazee Dayzee smiled, looking into the mirror laughing. "Tuki-tuki-tuki. Tuki-tuki-tuki? TUKI-TUKI."

"Does anybody have any idea what she is saying?" Valentina asked in frustration.

Professor E. Gadd perked up. "I do. She said, 'You want this? Over my dead body!' She seems to be quite attached. I wouldn't go for it if I was you."

Valentina rolled her eyes, no one told her what to do. "And why not?"

"Because Amazee Dayzees might seem like primitive creatures but they are very protective. They have been known to kill over things that they like, even stupid old mirrors." He replied matter-of-factly.

Amazee Dayzee looked over at the professor and smiled, nodding happily. She frolicked over to him and hugged him. It was at times like this Gadd was happy that he befriended the weird flower.

"Well since she likes you so much why don't you ask her for it?" Valentina proposed, determined as ever.

He shrugged in return. "I'll try." There was a conversation in Tuki between the two and they shared a couple of laughs before he turned toward Valentina. "Nope, sorry."

Her eyes began to welt up. "Why not? It's my mirror!"

The professor grinned evilly. "Normally I wouldn't use this language but it _is_ a direct quote from Amazee Dayzee herself. 'Because you are a cunt muncher and I don't like you very much.'"

"Good enough reason to me." Bowser stated with a snicker.

Valentina was shocked and attempted to reply but instead marched off to the confession room to vent her anger.

"You know, I'm beginning to like that Amazee Dayzee." Peach said to Mario with a grin.

He chuckled softly before he replied. "Me too."

_Later that evening…_

It was around eight when Kandy walked onto the scene even more bubbly than the contestants had seen her before.

"Oh great, look at the way she's smiling something bad is about to happen." Lakilester stated to Toad.

The cheery host sighed happily. "How is everyone this fine night?"

There was a variety of responses; tired, annoyed, upset, on the verge of suicide, TUKI-TUKI, your mother, bend over and I'll show you, etc.

"That's good to hear. Would anyone like to know what we have in store for you tomorrow?" She continued as if everyone was as happy as could be.

Once again there was an array of responses; no, I want my mirror, if I get to kill you I don't care, maybe, stick your finger in an automatic pencil sharpener, etc.

Kandy smiled as she swayed her head, looking at all of the players. "I'll give you a hint. Frank's idea was Design Time, Heidi's was the KKK, and what do you think Simon's is?"

We have to kiss his ass, we have to take his mean remarks and who doesn't cry wins, we get to push him down an escalator that's going up so he keeps falling forever, we have to run into a wall of rusty nails… were only some of the ideas listed by the contestants.

It was Peach who actually said what she thought it would be. "We have to sing?"

Kandy's head spun around 360 degrees before focusing on Peach.

"Where's an exorcist when you need one?" Sonic mumbled to himself.

"You've got it Peach! Tomorrow you get to sing in front of the panel, isn't that just great?"

Bowser's eyes widened. "I can't sing."

Kandy giggled. "Then you'll be going home! Choose your song tonight because first thing in the morning your voices better be ready! Good luck, haha, most of you are going to need it." She skipped happily to exit before pausing, her head spinning around once more. "Oh, and here's the first delivery of the gourmet food for the winners of the KKK."

Sonic shook his head slowly. "Does anyone else think that's really psychotic? Release the demons!"

As Kandy left five delivery boys from Torte's International Gourmet entered and handed out the bags of food to Baby Bowser, Jeffrey Star, Professor E. Gadd, Lady Bow, and Petey Piranha.

Baby Bowser predictably shared with his father, Geno talked Jeffrey into sharing but only if he slept with him again, the Professor chose to share with Amazee Dayzee because her eyes started turning red, Lady Bow gave her food to Mario and Peach because she's a ghost and doesn't eat, and Petey didn't share because he's so fat he ate both helpings.

The unlucky contestants got stuck with grilled cheese, spam, and onions.

_The next morning…_

Peach was up bright and early, practicing her vocals for that day's challenge. Amazee Dayzee didn't sleep at all because she was afraid Valentina would steal the mirror while she slept.

It was half past seven when Kandy graced everyone with her presence. She was apparently a morning person, an afternoon person, _and_ an evening person due to the fact that she was always as joyful throughout the day. Perhaps it was simply an act. "I hope all of you have your songs chosen and your singing voices ready."

"How are we supposed to sing good this early in the morning?" Brighton questioned.

Kandy shrugged. "Don't know, don't care. Sounds like a personal problem to me. Alright everyone, load 'em up we're heading out."

The contestants were transported to the mysterious building where the other challenges took place. I say mysterious because they always managed to change the set less than 24 hours later. This time was no exception, there was a medium-sized stage and in front of it was the judges table. The giant kitchen that was there yesterday was long gone. No one knew how they did it.

Heidi, Frank, and Simon were in their usual spots and greeted the contestants as they came in. Kandy then began to explain the rules for this particular challenge. "This challenge is called; Karaoke Hour. Each of you will one by one come in and stand on the stage. State your name and what you are going to sing. You will be given a minimum of ten seconds to perform, after that any one of the judges may interrupt you. If its Simon, that probably means you suck. If its Heidi or Frank you've done well enough to pass on to the next round. From the contestants who do not pass the first round, the judges will select the five worst and they will be eliminated. For the contestants who pass the first round, the judges will select ten to perform for a second time and from those pick the five winners."

The players were led to their favorite place… the waiting room. Kandy grinned at them. "I just know you're dying to know who gets to go first. We have randomly picked the first five to come with me…Toadette, Goombario, Bowser, Ashlee Simpson, and Doopliss."

Toadette hesitantly entered the room, stepping onto the stage. She tapped the microphone a few times before speaking. "Um… h-hi, my name's Toadette and I will be singing Lucky by Britney S. Toad."

Simon held back a smirk as he nodded. "Begin when you're ready."

_Isn't she lovely this Hollywood girl?_

_And they say she's so lucky_

_She's a STAR_

_But she cries cries cries_

_In her lonely heart thinking_

_If there's nothing missing in my life_

_Than why do these tears come at night?_

"Stop. She probably cries because she has to listen to you sing or perhaps it's because she's married to K-Fed. That was horrendous. Next, please." Simon quickly interrupted.

Poor Toadette burst into tears and ran out of the room, making Goombario that much more nervous. He slowly entered the room his hat turned backwards walking like a pimp. "Yo, the name's Goombario. And I'm gonna be laying down for you Baby Got Back by Sir Mixalot."

Heidi shook her head slowly, knowing this was going to be disastrous.

_I like BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie_

_You other brothers can't deny_

_When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist_

_And that big round thing in your face_

_You get SPRUNG_

_I wanna get witcha_

_So I can take your picture_

_My homies tried to console me_

_But that butt you got makes ME SO HORNY_

"Stop. Please contain the erection in your pants long enough to hear this. I would rather have the Earth explode than listen to you for thirty seconds." Simon scorned.

Goombario frowned. "Really?"

"No, I take that back. For more than _ten_ seconds, it was that awful. Just go. Next?"

Bowser was the next person in line, the judges hardly recognized him because he was in all drag; a blonde wig on his head and thick red lipstick on his mouth. "Morning. I'm Bowser and I'm going to sing Bad Girls by Donna S. Toad."

_Friday night and the strip is hot, HOT_

_Some go down and their mouths drop, MOUTHS DROP_

_Spirit's high and they look hot_

_Do you want to get down?_

_Now don't you ask yourself who they are_

_Like everybody else they want to be a STAR_

_Bad girls, sad girls, you such a naughty bad girl_

_Beep beep, uh-huh, beep beep_

_You bad girl, you sad girl, you such a dirty bad girl_

During the performance Bowser tried his best to be provocative, spanking himself and dancing around the stage like a stripper on acid.

"Oh yes, girl, you were very bad to pick a song like that. I won't ask myself who you are because I don't even want to know. Now take this dime and go buy a bar of soap so you can wash that shit off your face. Next!" Simon told him with a laugh.

Bowser stared a moment, speechless. He marched off the stage furious. Ashlee Simpson was next she entered the room and took the stage. "Hello, my name is Ashlee Simpson and I will be singing Blame it on the Rain by Milli Vanilli."

_Blame it on the rain_

_Blame it on the stars_

_Whatever you do don't put the blame on you_

_Blame it on the rain yeah yeah_

_You can blame it on the rain_

And that's as far as she got before her mouth stopped matching the words being sung. Ashlee Simpon's cheeks flushed as she looked around for a moment, she wasn't singing but there was still words coming out. Then she proceeded to do a country hick dance and run off the stage crying.

Simon snickered. "Blame it on the acid reflux, honey."

Doopliss was next in line. He flashed a wide grin to the judges and turned into Whitney H. Toad performing a pitch perfect rendition of I Will Always Love You.

The judges were speechless… except Simon. "Well, technically that would seem like cheating but we didn't say you _couldn't_ do it so, congratulations you are the first person and seemingly the only that's going to move on to the next round."

Heidi turned to Frank. "How many more do we have to listen to?"

He looked down at the sheet in front of him. "Thirty-two."

"It's going to be a damn long day."


	13. Chapter 13 Karaoke Hour

Note: I know I have been known to erratically update but I am finally being loyal to my readers and writing a chapter weekly. So enjoy!

Chapter 13 – _Karaoke Hour_

Simon impatiently drummed his fingers along the judges table. "Next please."

Birdo timidly entered the room taking her sweet time on her way to the stage. "Hey, my name is Birdo and I will be singing Thriller by… no I don't think I like that one, uh, I'm going to sing Stayin' Ali- no, no that's no good either…hm…"

"Just pick something already!" Simon shouted making her jump.

She shot him a hateful look. "Well, if you're going to be bitchy about it…" She suddenly stopped, an evil grin filling her face. "I'll be singing Bitch by Meredith B. Toad."

Frank sighed placing his head in his hands. "When you're ready."

_I'm a BITCH, I'm a lover_

_I'm a child, I'm a mother_

_I'm a sinner, I'm a saint_

_I do not feel ashamed_

_I'm your hell, I'm your dream_

_I'm nothing in between_

_You know you wouldn't want it any other way_

Simon raised his hand in the air, indicating for her to stop. "Next?"

"Wait you didn't even say anything about my performance." Birdo replied with a confused look.

Heidi giggled. "Do you really want to hear what _he_ has to say?"

"Too late, she asked for it. Let's see… I've heard drunken sailors sing better than you, grandmas with no teeth enunciate more properly, and I would have rather spent the last fifteen seconds of my life that I just wasted on listening to you shoving barbed wire up my ass." Simon then waved the back of his hand toward her not wanting to listen to her blubber.

Birdo began wheezing and twitching before she collapsed on the stage. Kandy cocked her head and raised her eyebrows glancing over to the producers. Two toads with a stretcher entered the room and loaded Birdo on it carrying her away.

The next contestant entered the room which was Johnny Depp the Shy Guy. He seemed as if he was going to pass out from nervousness at any moment. "H-hi, hi, hehe, hi. I'm Johnny and I'm going to p-p-perform You're Beautiful by James B. Toad."

Frank felt sorry for him. "Are you going to be okay?"

He took a deep breath and nodded before he began to sing.

_I s-saw an angel of that I'm s-sure_

_She s-smiled at me on the s-subway_

_S-she was with another man_

_But I won't loose no, s-sleep on that_

_Cause of got a plan_

_You're beautiful, You're b-beautiful_

_You're beautiful it's true_

It was Heidi who raised her hand this time. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but that wasn't very good. You should probably leave now."

He pulled a Birdo and passed out on the stage.

"Oh good lord, we've got another one." Simon uttered in annoyance, yelling then to the toads who loaded him up. "Make sure you get him a therapist, someone who can get rid of that bloody stutter."

Geno entered the room, a gold pimp chain hanging around his neck. "What up? Word to ya, Simon. I'm G-g-g-Geno! I'll be rapping for you Candy Shop by 50 Coin."

_I'm a seasoned vet when it come to this shit_

_After you work up a sweat you can play with the stick_

_I'm trying to explain baby the best way I can_

_I melt in your mouth girl not in you hand, haha_

_I'll take you to the candy shop_

_I'll let you lick the lollipop_

_Go ahead girl don't you stop_

_Keep going till you hit the stop, WOAH_

Simon proceeded to laugh. "No one wants a taste of your hairy lollipop or listen to your voice which is even more impotent. Take your two-incher and get out of here."

Geno then did some gang sign and promised Simon he would get his 'crew' up on him. After he strutted out, in walked Parakarry a grin a mile wide on his face. "I'm so excited, to tell you the truth I hoped we would get to sing. Anyway, my name is Parakarry and I will be singing Here Comes the Flood by Peter G. Toad."

"One of my favorite songs, you may begin." Simon stated.

_Waves of steel hurled metal at the sky_

_And as the nails sunk in the cloud_

_The rain was warm and soaked the crowd_

_Lord, here comes the flood_

_We will say goodbye to flesh and blood_

_If again, the seas are silent and any still alive_

_It'll be those who gave their island to survive_

_Drink up dreamers your running dry_

Heidi seemed to have tears in her eyes as she stopped him. "That was beautiful."

"You provoked so much emotion in your voice even with such a short time." Frank added.

Simon smiled proudly at him. "You did it justice, I was worried considering all the idiots we've had come in here. Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round."

Parakarry flew in the air letting out a victory shout. "Thank you so much." He happily flew off as Daisy entered. Her normally formal dress was traded in for one that showed off a hefty amount of cleavage and was cut way above the knee.

"I can see your hoochie up that skirt." Simon said to her as she climbed up the steps to the stage.

Heidi smirked. "Whatever you do don't bend over."

Daisy slowly shook her hair as wind flew through it. "I'm Daisy and I will be performing Milkshake by Kelis Toad."

"Where the hell is that wind coming from?" Kandy asked out loud as she looked around.

The princess didn't seem like one at all after she started shaking her titties to the judges.

_Lalalalala, warm it up_

_Lalalalala, the boys are waiting_

_My milkshake brings all the boys the yard_

_And their like its better than yours_

_DAMN right its better than yours_

_I can teach you but I have to charge_

She then got down on all fours slowly crawling forward while she growled like a sex fiend. _I know you want it, the thing that makes me._

"No, we don't want it at all. Actually I feel as if I'm going to regurgitate my breakfast and then you can eat that milkshake. Next please before I go completely blind _and_ deaf." Simon urgently called to her, fearing she would start disrobing the very little clothes she had on. Daisy swayed her hips as she left being a whore until the very end.

Wiggler took his place on stage, waving merrily to the judges. "Wiggler. 100 Years by Five for Fighting."

"Well, he gets to the point now doesn't he." Frank commented to Heidi.

_Fifteen there's still time for you_

_Time to buy and time to loose_

_Yourself within a morning star_

_Fifteen I'm alright with you_

_Fifteen there's never a wish better than this_

_When you only got a hundred years to live_

"You're only going to have thirty more seconds to live if I have to listen to that much longer." Simon interrupted.

"What did you say?" Wiggler shot back a hostility to his voice.

"You heard me that was so excruciatingly bad it was like sticking a dirty syringe in my ear." He retorted.

Wiggler started to turn red feeling the urge to kill him. Heidi glanced over at Simon. "You better stop."

He laughed in return. "Or what he's going to sing until my head explodes?"

"No I'm going to do this." Wiggler shouted, fully red and steaming mad, he charged off the stage and rammed into Simon sending him across the room. He immediately changed back to his normal color letting out a sigh. "I feel better." Then he walked out of the room as if nothing had happened.

Simon slowly raised his hand. "I'm okay."

No one responded with glee, they had all hoped the attack would have killed him but they weren't so lucky. The bad luck continued as Twila took the stage. "My name is Twila and I'll be singing Dancin' in the Moonlight by King Harvest."

_Dancin' in the moonlight_

_Everybody's feelin' warm and right_

_It's such a fine and natural sight_

_Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight_

_We like our fun and we never fight_

_You can't dance and stay uptight_

"Yes you can." Simon said and proceeded to do a short little ditty that was worse than any of the contestants. Granted he did have a neck brace on. "Apparently you can sing without any pitch too. Next?"

Amazee Dayzee happily waltzed onto the scene, taking her place on stage. "Tuki-tuki-tuki-tuki. Tuki-tuki-tuki-tuki-tuki."

Frank and Simon looked to Heidi in confusion. "She said her name and said she was going to sing I'll Be by Edwin McToad."

"This is going to be brutal." They both muttered in return.

Amazee Dayzee sang completely in Tuki and much to the judges' surprise, while they couldn't understand what she was singing, it was perfectly in tune.

Simon rolled his eyes. "I can't believe I'm actually going to say this but, congratulations you are moving onto the next round."

Bombette was next and continued the streak of people with some talent. She performed a well received rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow and was moving onto the next round. The same couldn't be said about Baby Bowser who sang I Want to Fuck You Like an Animal. Simon told him just to go and he did knowing he couldn't sing to save his life.

Janice Dickinson drunkenly entered the room and stumbled onto the stage. "Me Janice, me sing Hollaback Girl by Gwen."

_A few times I've been around that track_

_So it's not just gonna happen like that_

_Cause I ain't no hollaback girl _

_I ain't no hollaback girl_

_Ooo, this my shit this my shit_

_Ooo, this my shit this my shit_

_Ooo, this my shit this my shit_

_I heard that you were talking shit_

"Stop! If you say the word shit again in the next five seconds I am going to kill myself with a tooth pic. That has to be the most idiotic song I have heard in my life." You-know-who shouted.

She frowned. "But I haven't even gotten to the good part."

_This shit is bananas_

_B-A-N-A-N-A-S_

_This SHIT is bananas_

_B-A-N-A-N-A-S_

"That song is retarded, R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D. Now leave." Simon growled.

Next was Lakilester who floated onto the stage. "Yo, my name is Spike. And I'm going to be singing Born to Be Wild by Steppenthomp."

Frank looked down at his notes. "It says here your name is Lakilester."

"Whatever, yo. Just call me Spike." He replied crossing his arms.

Heidi nodded in compliance, knowing they could go on back and forth for forever. "Alright, Spike. Start."

_Get your motor runnin'_

_Head out on the highway_

_Lookin' for adventure_

_And whatever comes our way_

_Born to be WILD_

_Yea, born to be wild_

"Born to be tone deaf, next please." Simon simply stated.

Jinx predictably sang Kung Fu Fighting and was promptly 'kicked' off the stage. He joined the growing list of singing failures. Next was Yoshi. "I'm Yoshi and I'll be performing Hear You Me by Pokey Eat World."

_You gave us someplace to go_

_I never said thank you for that_

_I thought I might get one more chance_

_What would you think of me now?_

_So lucky so strong so proud_

_I never said thank you for that_

_Now I'll never have a chance_

"Well, you'll have another chance when you move on to the next round. Congratulations, that was great." Heidi interrupted.

Big Bertha, the obese Cheep-Cheep, entered and took her place on stage. "My name is Big Bertha and I'll sing for you Toads Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi L. Toad."

_The phone rings in the middle of the night_

_My father yells whatcha gonna do with your life_

_Oh daddy dear you know your still number one_

_But toads they wanna have fun_

_Toads just wanna have_

_That's all they really want is some fun_

"You know what I really want?"

Bertha shook her head dumbly.

"I want you to shut up. That was horrendous. I've heard babies crying that were more appeasing to the ears." Simon ridiculed.

The next contestant was Raphael. "I'm Raphael and I'm performing L-O-V-E by Nat King Toad."

_L is for the way I look at you_

_O is for the only one I see_

_V is very very extraordinary_

_E is even more than anyone that you adore_

Simon raised his hand. "Let me sing you my version. _L is for the way I LAUGH at you, O is for the only one ear I can hear out of now, V is very very and utterly REPULSIVE, E is even more annoying than a dying moose._ I think you can conclude where you need to go now."

Raphael exited solemnly as Lady Bow entered. "Hehe! I am the magnificent Lady Bow and I will be wowing you with Your Love is Like a Heatwave by Reeves Toad and the Toadettes."

_Is this the way love's supposed to be?_

_It's like a heatwave_

_Burnin' like a heatwave_

_Deep in my heart_

_I can't keep from cryin'_

_It's tearin' me apart_

Due to Bow's overconfidence Simon was going to enjoy tearing her down but to his surprise she was good. He unhappily sighed, he liked being mean. "Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round."

Simon soon got his chance because the same couldn't be the said for Don Pianta. The mobster sang a sadistic and scary version of With This Knife by Smile Empty Piranha.

"I need a knife to cut off my ears before they have to endure anymore abuse. Seriously, I am stupefied by how mortifyingly appalling that was."

Jeffrey Star, who was next to enter, was queered out in tight leather jeans and the universal black t-shirt for gay guys. "Hey Heidi girlfriend. How are you doing Frank sweetie? And, um… hi Simon. I'm going to sing Ride Rough by Jim V. Toad." He exclaimed excitedly with hand movements and all.

_Make me hot babe I can't hide_

_If you swerve it to the left you can work it inside_

_Give me the keys cause I want to drive_

_And I'll grab your stick shift I want to ride_

_We're gonna ride it rough_

_Jump into the fast lane_

_Pull over and let's just, Panting noises_

_We're gonna ride it rough_

_Speed it up don't hit the break_

_Pull over and let's just_

_You don't wanna know what I really want to say_

The judges sat there wide eyed. Simon finally started laughing. "Way to fill every gay stereotype there. I don't want to know what you want to say, I don't even want to look at you right now. Next, please! Good lord."

Jeffrey grinned evilly at him. "Don't let your girlfriend find out about last night." He then rubbed his lips suggestively and walked out of the room.

Frank and Heidi looked over at him with accusing faces.

"He's lying! You think I'd actually do something with _him_?" Simon exclaimed.

Heidi giggled. "Well, you know what they say about gay guys. They are better with their mouths if you catch my drift."

He gave a look of disgust. "Ask Frank, I wouldn't have any idea about that."

"Am I interrupting something?" Professor E. Gadd called to them from the stage.

Frank fumed over at Simon momentarily before he turned. "Nope, go ahead."

"My name is Professor Edward Gadd and I will be performing Downtown by Petula C. Toad."

_You can forget all your troubles  
Forget all your cares so go downtown  
Things'll be great when you're _

_Downtown, no finer place for sure  
Downtown, everything's waiting for you  
Downtown_

Heidi held up her hand and turned to Simon. "You certainly had a fun time downtown last night, didn't you?"

"I did no such thing!" He shouted in return.

Frank smiled. "Oh right, it was Jeffrey who went downtown."

"Or maybe you took the back road." Heidi barely got out before she burst into laughter.

The panel continued to bicker back and forth as the professor rolled his eyes and walked out. Sonic cleared his throat to get their attention. "I'm next so, uh, hi my name is Sonic and I'm going to sing Iris by the Goo Goo Goombas."

_When everything feels like the movies_

_Yea you bleed just to know your alive_

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

It was Frank who smiled warmly at him. "That was very good. Quite possibly the best we've had all day."

"Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round. You may leave. Simon's too busy packing fudge at the moment to critique." Heidi added.

Sonic looked at them as if they were all on drugs, which they probably were. He left the room as Simon muttered something under his breath about Heidi.

"Only eleven more names left on the list." Frank said with a sigh, glad it was almost over.

The most promising contestants seemed to be coming up including Mario, Peach, and Luigi. But would any of them be able to carry a tune?


	14. Chapter 14 You Are the Weakest Singer

Note: Although apparently the fan base for this story has weakened significantly I am going to see it to the end. At least I know one person is reading. (Thanks, Dixie, have I told you you're amazing?)

Chapter 14 – _You Are the Weakest Singer_

Mario was next in line and walked confidently into the room. He took his spot on stage and grinned at the judges, pulling on the straps of his overalls. "Howdy. I'm Mario and I'll be singing Hey Mickey by Toni B. Toad."

Simon burst into laughter and then stopped after he saw the confused look on Mario's face. "Oh, you weren't kidding. Begin then."

_Oh Mickey you're so fine you're so fine  
__You blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey  
__Oh Mickey what a pity you don't understand  
__You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand  
__Oh Mickey you're so pretty can't you understand?  
__Its guys like you Mickey, what you do Mickey, do Mickey  
__Don't break my heart, Mickey_

Simon clapped slowly and deliberately. "Wow. That was mind blowing… and not in the good way. I don't know if Mickey will break your heart so why don't I step in and do it for him? I'd rather stick a bucket full of poisonous spiders in my pants, fall face first into a pile of horse shit, and jab virus-infected needles into my eyes than listen to your voice. Next please."

Mario swallowed his pride and slowly walked out, embarrassed and upset.

"A simple no would have sufficed." Heidi told Simon.

"Where's the fun in that?" He replied with a chuckle.

The next person to be defamed on national television, I mean sing for the judges, was Frogfucius. He hobbled onto the stage with use of his cane. "Afternoon, I am Frogfucius and I will be performing the classic We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina T. Toad."

_We don't need another hero  
__We don't need to know the way home  
__All we want is fight the young  
__The Thunderdome  
__Looking for something we can rely on  
__There's got to be something better out there_

"I agree with you. There's got to be someone that's better than you out there. We don't need another idiot like you to come in and waste our time so why don't you kick yourself in the ass and leave." Simon interrupted with pleasure.

Frogfucius shook his head a few times. "You, sir, are extremely rude."

He grinned. "What was that? All I heard was blah blah blah, I can't sing."

"Sorry about that. He hasn't had his daily dose of sausage yet." Frank said.

The old frog looked over at Simon and snickered as he made his way out. "Oh. I didn't realize he was a fairy lover."

"Enough of the fag jokes! I'm not gay!" Simon screamed.

Before another argument about Simon's sexuality ensued Petey Piranha stomped into the room. "Rawr! Petey! Sing I Hate Everything About You, Three Boos Grace."

_Only when I stop to think about it  
__I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU  
__Why do I love you?  
__I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU  
__Why do I love you?_

Simon's eyes widened. "I can relate. I hate everything about your singing. If you ever try to sing again I feel sorry for the poor souls within the vicinity because they will drop like flies. Quite a powerful weapon you have there though. You can label it the singing voice of doom or stop or I'll sing and it'll kill you. Go now."

Petey sat down on the stage and started pounding his fists, the room shaking with each hit.

"Calm down, he was only joking it was amazing." Heidi quickly told him.

He stopped and looked at her. "Rawr?"

Frank smiled and nodded. "Yes it was super."

"Rawr! Lalalala." The giant piranha plant voiced as he skipped happily out of the room.

Simon gave them a look that spoke volumes. "You really enjoyed that?"

Heidi rolled her eyes. "Of course not but we wouldn't have a stage much longer if he had continued like that."

Mallow hesitantly entered the room, nervously moving onto the stage. "Hi, my name is Mallow and I'll be singing Imagine by John Lennon."

_Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can  
__No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man  
__Imagine all the people sharing the world  
__You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one  
__I hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as one_

Heidi smiled sweetly. "That was so tender I feel like crying."

"As if the world will ever be like that." Simon stated sadistically.

Mallow shrugged. "We can all dream."

"We would be fools not to pass you onto the next round. Congratulations." Frank exclaimed.

"Thank you very much." He replied with a humble grin.

Peach strutted into the room next and took the stage. "You know who I am or at least you will after I'm done. My name is Peach and I'm very sweet if you want to take a taste."

Kandy's face scrunched up with disgust. "Does being a slut run in the blood of these princesses or what? Maybe this is their only chance to act like little floozies."

She proceeded to blow kisses to the panel. "And I will be performing Like a Virgin by Madonna Toad."

Heidi rolled her eyes. "Here we go."

Peach pulled off her dress and revealed a pointed Madonna-style bustier with lace panties.

_You make me feel  
__Yea you make me feel shiny and new  
__Ow, like a virgin  
__Touch for the very first time  
__Like a VIRGIN  
__When your heart beats next to mine_

"How much should I pay you?" Simon asked.

She looked at him confused.

"You mean you're not a whore? Because you sure fooled me. I think a thousand coins should cover it." He continued.

Peach's mouth dropped as she started to take out her earrings. "What did you call me?"

Simon laughed. "Like you weren't expecting it, you look like you just got off some street corner. I guess you made enough money for your pimp because I don't see any bruises."

"Oh _hale _naw." She stated as she took off her rings one by one and then her high heels. Peach made her way off the stage and to the judges table, bringing her face directly in front of Simon's. "You want to run that by me one more time?"

He grinned evilly. "Let me make it easy for you. You…look…like…a…hoe."

"I hit like one too cause you gonna bitch slapped." She shouted and then slapped him across the face. "Who's the whore now, hm?"

Peach giggled to herself and walked casually out of the room while putting her jewelry back on. Simon sat there stunned rubbing his red face while Heidi and Frank snickered. Next to enter the room was Peach's arch rival Valentina. "My name is Valentina and I will be performing My Heart Will Go On by Celine D. Toad."

_Near, far, wherever you are  
__I believe that the heart does go on  
__Once more you open the door  
__And you're here in my heart and  
__My heart will go on and on_

"Too bad my ears won't. That was so nauseatingly ghastly if it was a smell it would be a rotting skunk drenched in rancid milk." Simon scorned.

Valentina couldn't stop the smile that filled her face. "You free Saturday night?"

His face dropped. "Um, I, uh… if you haven't heard I'm gay."

Frank grinned at him. "No he's not. He'd love to go out with you."

"Right, wait for him after the show." Heidi added.

Valentina gave him a wink and then walked out of the room.

"You call me gay up till now?" He asked them.

"At that moment it was more beneficial that you were straight." Frank replied.

Simon shook his head slowly. "Great, now I'll have crater-face stalking me."

Luigi was patiently waiting on stage already when the judges greeted him. The song choice didn't matter because like his brother he was officially tone deaf. Simon delivered one of his trademark wicked remarks and sent him on his way. On the opposite spectrum was Brighton who waltzed into the room. "My name is Brighton and I'm going to sing I Can See Clearly Now by Jimmy C. Toad."

_I can see clearly now the rain has gone  
I can see all obstacles in my way  
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind  
It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiny day  
It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiny day_

"That was actually decent." Simon somewhat complimented.

Heidi nodded. "Yes, much better than some. Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round."

Bowser's sidekick Kammy Koopa was next and floated on her broom into the room. "I'm not very good at this sort of thing so, uh, my name is Kammy and I'll sing Don't Cha by the Pussycat Koopas."

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot?  
__Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?  
__Don't cha? Don't cha?_

She bent over and slowly rose up, her hands moving over her no-no area and her saggy old breasts. It was definitely a site that only the strong stomached should have to face.

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?  
__Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?  
Don't cha? Don't cha?_

She brought up her arms and started shaking back and forth like a fat black girl would at a night club. Except she was old and not wearing a bra and oh, the mental image is frightening enough without anymore detail.

The judges were disgusted as Simon spoke. "Well I have to congratulate you on having the balls to perform that song. Other than that it was visually disturbing and vocally upsetting. If I was half blind and dying and you were the last thing alive to give me some sort of provocative dance I would simply croak over and let myself die to save myself from the sight of you."

"For once I agree." Frank said.

Kammy put a spell on Simon and left the room before she would be the subject of any more abuse. The red Axem ranger replaced her on stage. "Hey, I'm the red Axem ranger and I'll be singing Lips of an Angel by Hinder."

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name  
It sounds so sweet coming from the lips of an angel  
Hearing those words it makes me weak  
And I never wanna say goodbye  
But girl you make it hard to be faithful  
With the lips of an angel_

Heidi raised her hand. "That was pretty good. Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round."

"Hell yea!" He shouted in return, doing a victory dance and then happily walking out of the room.

Toad was next and the room burst into applause as he entered. He looked around his cheeks blushing. "Thank you, thank you."

"Weren't not clapping for you we're clapping because you're the last person to sing." Simon told him.

He frowned. "Oh. Well, I'm Toad and I'm going to perform Toadalicious by Fergie Toad."

_I blow kisses, mmmwwahh  
__That puts them boys on rock, rock  
__And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got  
__So delicious, it's hot hot  
__So delicious, I put them boys on rock rock  
__So delicious, they wanna taste of what I got  
__I'm Toadalicious, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tasty tasty_

Simon chuckled. "At least we end on a hilarious note. Shittylicious is how I would describe your vocals. I advise you never to attempt any song again for as long as you live."

Kandy grinned. "Thank god that's over."

The ten contestants that passed through to perform again sang a second song and left the judges with the hard decision of picking the top five. Although they have an even more difficult decision of choosing who was the five worst out of so many viable candidates.

First the results of the winners, Heidi smiled at the chosen ten. "Congratulations, you are the top ten singers. Five of you will be proclaimed the winners and be given a fabulous prize. Johnny could you tell them what it is?"

"Why certainly, Heidi, the five lucky winners will return back to the base with a top of the line music player! Not available in stores until next year, the P-Pod holds all of your multimedia necessities. With enough space for 146435437634 songs and 586937529 video clips you will never be bored again! Courtesy of Pony Entertainment. Entertainment has never been more entertaining when you ride with Pony. A 100,000 coin value."

"Enough music to listen to until you're dead." Simon added.

"It was a tough decision but without any further suspense the five winners are… Doopliss, Parakarry, Bombette, Sonic, and Mallow. Congratulations." Heidi revealed.

The five winners and five runner-ups were escorted out and Kandy led the twenty-seven not so talented contestants into the room.

Heidi gave them a look of disappointment. "You represent the worst singers. Five of you will be proclaimed the losers and immediately sent home. It was a difficult choice because all of you were equally horrible."

"For lip syncing and not trying to sing I'm sorry, Ashlee Simpson, you have been eliminated." Simon told her.

She looked around slowly. "It was my band's fault! My daddy told me to! Um, I just wanted to be more famous than my sister! Waaaaaah." She ran out of the room bawling.

Simon shook his head slowly. "You'll never be able to beat those legs and double D's."

"I'm sorry, Baby Bowser, you have been eliminated." Heidi continued.

He looked to his dad solemnly. "Sorry, pops."

Bowser looked away from him. "Hold your head high, son, I'll take care of them."

"You can finally have some fun now because you have been eliminated, Big Bertha." Simon said with a smirk. Drool dripped from her mouth as she silently walked out of the room.

Frank was next to deliver the bad news. "I'm sorry, Don Pianta, you have been eliminated."

"I'll kill you, I'll kill you all!" He exclaimed as he pulled a knife from his pocket.

Simon brought up a gun and pointed it at him. "You should've brought one of these."

Don looked at his knife in disgust. "Alright, I'll go."

"Then it came down to Kammy's revolting performance of Don't Cha and Toad's laughably bad rendition of Toadalicious." Frank voiced.

"Quite likely the most idiotic songs ever written." Simon added.

Heidi chuckled. "While Kammy's was more visually appalling, Toad's was vocally worse and this was a singing competition so… I'm sorry, Toad, you have been eliminated."

"You are the weakest singer. Goodbye." Frank called to him as he left.

Kandy smiled at the contestants. "Give it up for our judges. This was their last challenge to judge."

The responses varied; if it was up to me they would be dead by now, Heidi and Frank are alright but Simon can suck my balls, I sucked Simon's balls, if Simon wasn't a queer fucker I would beat him up but that's a lawsuit waiting to happen, etc.

"Okay, well, that's nice. Let's hear it for Heidi Doom!" Kandy continued.

The room roared and through the applause a few offers filled the air such as; meet me behind Toad-Mart in ten minutes, want to make some extra money, like lollipops then get on your knees and close your eyes, she's not even that pretty I mean look at me, and so forth.

"How about Frank!"

The clapping was less than Heidi's but average and various things were said; is he wearing a toupee, I bet him and Simon are secret lovers, if that's true they can _both_ suck my balls, I sucked both their balls... at the same time, etc.

Kandy looked at the contestants, full of repugnance toward them. "And lastly, and I mean that in more than one way, Simon!"

The room was silent. After a few minutes an unknown voice shouted. "Ball sucker!"

"Who said that?" He asked as he scanned the room.

Frank placed his hand on Simon's shoulder. "Oh you scrotum licker."

Everyone burst into laughter as Simon slumped down in his chair. So it would seem that the contestants got the last laugh. Then again, what was next on the list of crazy things they had to do?


	15. Chapter 15 It's War Now!

Chapter 15 – _It's War Now!_

It was mid-day when the contestants were escorted back to the base. There was a long line outside the Confession room; everyone had something to say about that day's embarrassment of a challenge.

Kammy was seated in front of the camera, a glaring look on her face with raised eyebrows. "I am a very attractive woman. That Simon has no idea what he is missing. I may not be as young as I used to be but I can still give you what you want. I'll work it, put my thing down flip it and reverse it. You can go downtown and eat it like a vulture."

The cameraman gagged as she quoted lines from the famous Missy Bones song. Kammy proceeded to blow a kiss to the camera, slowly turning and slapping her ass.

"You know you want a piece of this." She exclaimed and left the room.

Amazee Dayzee and the professor, a now unbreakable pair, were playing a game of Go Fish. Valentina was watching intently, she didn't give a damn about the game, but she was eyeing her mirror which rested in Amazee Dayzee's lap.

"Got any Toads?" Gadd questioned.

The flower shook her head slowly. "Tuki tuki."

Valentina slyly crept over. "Looks like you two are having fun."

Amazee Dayzee shifted her eyes to look at her suspiciously, firmly gripping the mirror in her hands. "Tuki tuki tuki tuk tuki?"

"Good question. She asked what you want." The professor translated.

An evil grin formed slowly over her ugly face. "I've come to inquire about a possible trade. I have some items that you just might like and I'll be willing to part with them if you hand over my mirror."

Amazee Dayzee leaned forward and whispered something into Gadd's ears. He looked to Valentina. "She said she doubts you'll have anything she'll want but go ahead anyway."

Valentina held her tongue as she brought up a beautiful pink brush, looking like it was made for royalty. "How about this lovely item?"

"She says what the hell would she need a brush for? She doesn't have any damn hair."

Peach saw this and marched over, snatching the brush from Valentina's grasp. "That is mine, you wench."

Next she held up an antique fan, spreading it open and fanning herself. "This is a spectacular item. Do you like?"

Amazee Dayzee perked up, apparently interested. "Tuki tuki tuki tuki tuki tuki."

Professor Gadd giggled. "She said that she likes it but you'll have to pay a thousand coins."

"What?! It's my mirror and I have to pay _you_?" Valentina shouted in disbelief.

The flower simply nodded and stuck out her hand.

Valentina growled and pulled out her purse. "Fine! One thousand it is… as long as I get my mirror back."

"What's going on over here?" Lady Bow said to them as she floated over.

She quickly hid the fan behind her back. "Nothing that concerns you."

"Actually I think this is very much of her concern." The professor retorted and pointed toward Valentina's back.

Bow nodded knowingly as her eyes widened. "What's behind your back, dear?"

Valentina swallowed hard. "My back? Nothing of your's is behind my back."

"I beg to differ, you see I somehow misplaced my fan. You don't have it do you?" The ghost continued and attempted to move behind her, but Valentina would always counter her movements.

"Okay, fine, you caught me… how much do you want for it?" She asked in return.

Lady Bow cackled. "That fan is a family heirloom and it is irreplaceable, all the coins in the world wouldn't be enough. So I suggest you hand it over."

Valentina managed to muster up some tears. "You don't understand this is my only chance to get my precious mirror back. Please show some compassion."

"I forget where that's my problem. Now give me the damn fan!" She barked.

Time seemed to stand still as Valentina rushed forward, lunging toward Lady Bow. The disqualification bell immediately sounded throughout the base. Kandy casually walked onto the scene. "Congratulations, Valentina, you have been disqualified."

She slowly got up from the grown, brushing off her dress. "I didn't touch her."

Kandy looked over to Lady Bow. "What is she talking about?"

"It's true." The ghost replied with a frown.

Indeed it was. As fate would have it, when Valentina went to tackle Lady Bow she used her transparent move. The two never touched thus no violation occurred.

"Shit, that's no fun. False alarm I suppose," Kandy said with a sigh. She suddenly perked up. "Since I'm here I might as well inform you all of tomorrow's challenge!"

There were numerous groans from the contestants and a slew of profanities.

"When are we ever going to get a break?" Twila asked.

Kandy brought her hand to her chin, stroking it as if in thought. "Let me see… when you are eliminated or disqualified. How about that?"

Geno rolled his eyes. "Whatever. So, what's our challenge now? We have to make some dresses?"

"No, not even close. Simon's gone so we won't make you do anymore of that queer stuff."

Simon peeked through the window above them. "I'm not gay!"

"That was random." Mario said with a chuckle.

Kandy smiled sweetly. "Tomorrow your strength will be put to the test in a warball match!"

Bowser roared in excitement. "Finally something that's not faggoty."

"Well, I'm glad you're happy. I'll be back in the morning." Kandy said to him and happily skipped out.

Valentina decided to come up with a different plan of action and reluctantly gave Bow her fan back. She retreated for now but she was going to get her mirror back even if it killed her. After all, she could vent her anger tomorrow when she got the chance to hurl balls at everyone's faces.

A koopa entered the room bearing gifts. "Here are your outfits for tomorrow's match." He then left as soon as he had come.

Peach went up to the box that was for her and opened it. She frowned when she saw grey sweat pants and a low cut plain white top.

Raphael saw her disappointment. "Mad about the revealing shirt?"

She shook her head slowly. "No that's not it at all… it's not pink."

_The next morning…_

Kandy entered as the clock stroke seven. She was dressed in the proper gym attire, similar to what the female contestants had been given. She blew the whistle that was around her neck. "Attention, cadets! Get into your gear and get your asses on the bus."

"We aren't in the army." Birdo sarcastically shot back.

Kandy walked over to her and spit in her face. "I didn't ask for your input. Do as I said before I make you drop and give me fifty!"

Luigi chuckled and whispered to his brother. "Talk about power trip."

The contestants quickly got ready not wanting to make Kandy upset and loaded onto the bus.

She grinned evilly at them. "Let me explain the rules of this little match we have set up. You will be divided into two teams; the team who wins the first round is automatically safe and will continue in the next rounds to see who the four winners are. The team that loses the first round will be split up and continue going downward, meaning that the loosing team will be divided and divided until we have a four losers."

"Wait, I don't understand." Daisy voiced.

Kandy rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Okay let me put it in retard terms: There are 32 of you, so evenly divided that will make two teams of 16. The two teams will go against each other. The 16 members of the winning team are safe. They will be evenly divided once more to two teams of 8 and finally the winning team from those will be divided into two teams of four. The team who wins the final match will be the four winners. The same process will be used to find the four losers."

"I still don't get it." Peach said.

"That's because you're blonde. Okay here we are get off the bus, maggots." Kandy retorted.

They piled off the bus and into the warehouse. This time it had been transformed into a gymnasium with bleachers on each side. The crowd roared as the contestants entered. Each person had a section rooting for them, granted Mario's section was bigger than the others.

A toad referee calmed the audience and addressed everyone. "Welcome to the first ever 'What Would You Do' warball championship!"

The applaud signs were illuminated and thus the crowd clapped.

"Thank you. Let's meet today's players…" The toad went through the long list, pausing after every name to allow for applause. After he was finished he pointed to a nearby scoreboard. The high-tech screen showed all of the contestants faces. He explained that once a player was eliminated from the round his or her face would be darkened.

"Now let's randomly select the team captains! Let's see, team… Mario! And team… Bowser!"

How convenient that the so called random selection was the hero and his nemesis. The team captains got first selection on their first teammate, the person they chose would get to select the next and so forth until no one remained.

Here's how the selections went:

Mario picked Luigi.

Bowser picked Peach, much to her and Mario's dismay.

Luigi picked Daisy.

Peach picked Yoshi.

Daisy picked Birdo.

Yoshi picked Geno.

Birdo picked Bombette.

And so forth until Valentina and Amazee Dayzee were the only remaining players. It was up to Professor E. Gadd to make the final decision. He looked back and forth, carefully studying them. His team was whispering to pick Valentina but he went with his heart instead.

"I choose Amazee Dayzee."

Valentina smacked her forehead. "You'll pick that dumb flower over me?!"

Amazee Dayzee teasingly stuck out her tongue and rushed over to the old man's side. Valentina retreated to the opposite team mumbling curses under her breath.

The referee smiled. "Alright, folks team Mario is made up of himself, Luigi, Daisy, Birdo, Bomette, Goombario, Lakilester, Parakarry, Lady Bow, Raphael, Johnny Depp the Shy Guy, Doopliss, the Red Axem Ranger, Kammy Koopa, Professor E. Gadd, and Amazee Dayzee!"

The crowd roared. "We love you Mario!" A group of cheerleaders shouted.

The hero grinned wildly and kissed his muscles. Peach walked over and pulled him to her by the straps of his overalls. "I can't slap you right now but I would if I could." She turned to the cheerleaders and flicked them off.

"Okay… and team Bowser is made up of himself, Princess Peach, Yoshi, Geno, Mallow, Frogfucius, Toadette, Twila, Jeffrey Star, Sonic, Jinx, Wiggler, Brighton, Janice Dickinson the Dry Bones, Petey Piranha, and Valentina!" The ref continued.

Tails clapped and whistled. "Good luck, Sonic!"

Bowser raised his eyebrows. "He's not even from here and he still has fans show up."

"Now that you know the teams, let's get to the rules. This here is a traditional match of warball so that means no physical contact! If you are hit by a ball you are out, unless you catch it and in that instance the person who threw it is out. The first whistle blow allows you to go up to half court; if you go past that you are out. The second whistle blow allows you to go up to the free-throw line, or in other words about three fours of the court. And finally the third whistle blow means it's a free for all! You can go anywhere and everywhere so you better get some balls fast!"

Most of the teenagers in the audience giggled at the referee's unintended pun. He looked around confused. "Did I say something funny?"

Kandy giggled and turned to him. "No, it was nothing keep going."

"No flying, no fireballs, and no funny business. Alright teams please go to your respecting sides and put one hand on the wall."

The contestants did as he said and toads with fair-sized balls came out to the floor and placed them along the half-court line.

The referee smiled. "This is going to be fun." He muttered to Kandy before turning to look at the players. Once he was sure that all of them were touching the wall he proceeded.

"Good. I hope you're ready cause here we go!" The ref said and paused briefly, bringing his whistle to his lips. He gave a loud blow and the contestants rushed forward.

Mario ran forward, he was a fast runner and reached the half line rather quickly. Too bad he didn't notice Yoshi who had reached the line before him, a ball in hand. The dinosaur threw it at him and hit him square in the nose.

"Bye bye." Yoshi called to him with an evil smirk on his face.

Mario was the first one out due to Yoshi's fast footwork, but was the same fate in store for the rest of his team?


	16. Chapter 16 Balls, Balls Everywhere

Note: I sincerely apologize for the delay, the ideas are flowing once more. :) And as a treat for having to wait so long the next three chapters will be released every three days (Dec. 15, 18, 21). Enjoy and please review!

Chapter 16 – _Balls, Balls Everywhere_

"WHAT A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS!!!" The referee shouted in the most dramatic voice he could muster.

Yoshi nodded arrogantly as he stood triumphantly at the half-court line. "Anyone else want some of this?"

Kammy Koopa started to cackle.

Lakilester gave her a look that spoke volumes. "What the hell are you laughing for? We just lost our best player!"

She simply laughed even louder, eventually regaining her composure. She pointed gingerly at the ecstatic Yoshi. "And they just lost their's."

Yoshi's smile quickly dropped. "What you talking about, Kammy?"

"Look at your foot, you stupid dinosaur. You were too excited to notice that _you_ crossed the damn line!"

Suddenly everyone in the crowd was staring at Yoshi's feet. Sure enough his left foot had barely crossed the line.

His eyes grew wide in horror. "No, no, that doesn't count!"

"Yes, it does. I'm afraid you're out Yoshi." The referee stated.

"Ah, shit." Yoshi muttered in frustration as he made his way over to the bench.

Then all hell broke loose and balls were flying everywhere. Faces on the board started darkening right and left.

Petey Piranha was quick to get out, he was an easy target due to his size. Most of the older players didn't stand much of a chance either. That included Professor Gadd, while he was intellectually inclined he wasn't so much physically.

Soon there were twenty players remaining on Mario's team and only fifteen on Bowser's.

"Of course, Mario's the first one to get out yet his team somehow does amazing." Bowser sarcastically said to himself as he dodged a ball.

This was most likely due to Mario coaching from the sidelines. "Luigi to the left! Birdo duck! Parakarry ball to the-"

Wiggler had thrown a ball at his face. "Shut up you cheater!"

They stared evilly at each other for a moment, but that was all part of Mario's plan because Doopliss launched a ball and hit him right on the neck.

Wiggler growled loudly and turned red. He stormed forward toward Mario. He stood his ground and jumped just as Wiggler was about to hit him. He crashed into the bleachers and was rendered unconscious.

Bowser's team continued to dwindle while Mario's went slowly. Two whistle blows sounded from the referee, meaning that they could now go to the free throw line. A wide-eyed Brighton was at half court as several of Mario's teammates charged.

"Hold your ground!"

He did the opposite and started to run, he was pegged in the back with several balls.

Bowser ran forward toward them, a ball in each hand. "Grrr, take this you byotches!" He threw one at Lakilester and promptly got him out. Kammy threw one at him but he caught it. "On the evil team now, eh Kammy?"

She muttered curses to herself as she joined the growing numbers on the bench. For some reason, no one was able to hit Amazee Dayzee. She would simply run around crazily but it was like she had a sixth sense. Every time she was about to run into a ball she would turn and it would miss.

Yoshi wasn't the only one who had trouble staying within the line. Sonic dodged every ball easily because of his super speed… but he was going so fast he didn't realize he had gone over the line.

Pretty soon Bowser and Peach were the only players standing on their team. On the other side, however, Parakarry, Luigi, Amazee Dayzee, Birdo, Doopliss, Lady Bow, and Bombette remained.

Three whistle blows filled the gymnasium. The crowd cheered and the players grunted.

Parakarry smiled. It was seven to two and he was sure that they were going to win. "You know what that means!"

"Yep, it means we're going to lose." Peach said sadly with a sigh.

Bowser was quick to retort. "If you keep standing there doing nothing than yea, we will."

She glared over at him. "Well, if you hadn't of picked me _I_ wouldn't be in this situation anyway!"

"Wah, wah, wah, woe is me, poor Peach." He replied, the sarcasm oozing as he spoke.

The princess growled and looked to the ref, a crazed gleam in her eye. "Can I throw a ball at him and get him out?"

The crowd gasped.

The referee thought this over for a moment. "No…you're on the same team, sorry."

"Dammit. Can I throw one at him period?"

"Sure, I mean, I couldn't stop you." He replied.

She laughed evilly and pulled her arm back to launch the ball at Bowser. "Take this, asshole!" Peach launched the ball and successfully hit her target, knocking him right between the eyes.

The heat of Bowser's anger fumed and was almost tangible for everyone in the room. He rushed forward with a battle cry.

Peach screamed and ran toward Amazee Dayzee. "Hit me with a ball! Get me out please!"

The idiotic flower nodded and reached out to shake her hand.

"Oh, lord. No, you fool!" She rushed forward with Bowser on her heels.

Bowser was determined to get her. "Come here, Peach, I want to show you something."

Peach ran directly toward Luigi. "Please throw a ball at me!"

"Um… okay." He tightly closed his eyes and pitched the ball forward. It was much too low for it to hit her so she ducked down to deliberately get hit.

The ball barely grazed her leg. She shouted with relief and glee. "Yes! I'm out!"

"That was real smart!" Bowser boomed.

Peach stuck her tongue out at him. "So was chasing me, you better watch out."

He rolled his eyes. "Watch out for wh-"

That was all he could get out before a ball to the head knocked him cold. The crowed roared in cheer and applause.

"Yes, folks, we all know what that means. Mario's team wins the first round! And they are now safe from elimination!"

There was a round of high-fives and congratulations at Mario's bench.

Bowser was loaded onto a stretcher where they tried to revive him. They poured water on his face and he quickly got up. "What happened? Oh… my head… I don't want to eat my vegetables, mommy."

The medical technicians looked at each other and then back to him. "I think he may have amnesia."

He pushed them away and stood up. "Amnesia my ass! I'm perfectly fine you idiots. Get away from me."

Kandy smiled that sinister grin of hers. "Thank heavens for that, we were almost considering passing you onto the next round since you were incapable to participate but since you're fine you get to keep going."

"Dammit, just my luck as always." Bowser shot back.

"We will now take a brief break. Then the winners will continue onward to see who wins the prizes." The referee stated.

"That's right, unnamed referee who is only important for this part of the story."

He looked around confused. "Who said that? Hey, my name is-"

The voice continued. "That's great, no one really cares!"

All of the contestants knew exactly who it was. Kandy confirmed their thoughts. "Tell the winners what they'll win, Johnny!"

"Why certainly, Kandy, the four lucky winners will get to return back to the base and relax in their brand new recliners!"

The crowed ooed and ahhed.

"That's right, the four lucky winners will receive the state-of-arc RelaxMaster 3000. Sit and take comfort with seven different massage levels, heat, cup holders, and so much more! Courtesy of Lay-Z-Toad. For all of your home needs take comfort in knowing Lay-Z-Toad has got you covered. A 150,000 coin value."

The referee pouted for a moment. "I want to be the announcer guy."

"Sorry I'm much more smarter, attractive, wittier, and overall cooler!" Johnny replied.

Kandy took the microphone from the referee. "Take a breather won't you?" He simply glared in return as Kandy turned her attention to the crowd. "The winning team will be divided into two teams to get us that much closer to the winners! It has been decided at random and the two teams are:

Winning Team 1: Luigi, Birdo, Bombette, Goombario, Lady Bow, Raphael, Johnny Depp, Kammy Koopa

Winning Team 2: Mario, Daisy, Lakilester, Parakarry, Doopliss, the Red Axem Ranger, Professor E. Gadd, Amazee Dayzee."

She continued in her cheery voice. "Good luck to them! Now for the suckafool losers!"

The 'Boo' signs were illuminated and the crowed booed them.

Peach rolled her eyes. "Nice touch."

"And the two loser teams are:

Losing Team 1: Bowser, Peach, Frogfucius, Toadette, Jinx, Wiggler, Brighton, Petey Piranha

Losing Team 2: Yoshi, Geno, Mallow, Twila, Jeffery Star, Sonic, Janice Dickinson, Valentina."

_Thirty minutes later…_

"WOW, WHAT A TOTALLY EXCITING MATCH!" The referee shouted.

Predictably, Mario's team overcame Luigi's. They were all already safe but his team gets that much closer to the lovely recliners.

"Would the losers please take their spots on the court."

Peach was extremely upset that she was on Bowser's team once again. "I can't believe that once again I have to put up with you."

"Just don't throw another ball at my face and we won't have any problems!" He scorned.

"Or I could shove one right up your-"

The whistle blow drowned out her hateful remark and Yoshi's team dashed forward. The odds were against both of them again… or so it would seem.


End file.
